Somber Union
by LastExit
Summary: AU, Marriage Law fic, The Marauders are out of Hogwarts and they're taking on the world, but what happens when Sirius Black gets a dreaded frilly letter from the Ministry? Slash, SSSB SSLM. Mostly CANNON.
1. Chapter 1

Authors Note: This is by far one of the longest fan fictions I've ever written. I've frustrated myself (and most likely you) with the habit of never finishing a fiction. But this one is...okay, not nearly complete, but I have a shitload of it already written. I guess I'll post if I get a good enough response.

SsSsSsS

"I'm sorry Prongs," Sirius said interrupting James in yet another amazing story about Harry, "I adore the kid, I do, but I gotta eat my breakfast."

James shrugged, grabbing a cup of tea off the counter. He was leafing through the pages of the daily prophet in the bright, sunny morning. Sirius felt at ease being in the Potters house; unlike his own, and spent at the least four days out of the week visiting.

"More appeals." James mumbled looking amused at an article of upset grooms and brides. "Wouldn't fancy being picked for another marriage."

"Not likely." Sirius yawned toying with his eggs. "You're already pro-creating. There's no need to assign you another mate."

"What about you?" James said with a cheeky grin. "Not in your plans to get one of those scarlet letters with white trim from the Ministry I suppose?"

"Merlin shoot me if it was in the beak of a owl flying in my direction." Sirius barked. "I don't need anyone telling me who to mate and spend my days with."

"The numbers of wizards must be really low." James added frowning. "I know we took a turn for the worse, but the magic in families is really dwindling. I think Harry is showing signs of strong magic. Last night he-"

James looked up to see Sirius with a horrified expression. A swift breeze whizzed past his right ear and a small, tawny owl perched on the kitchen table, right in the middle of Sirius' breakfast. In it's beak held a scarlet letter with white, frilly lace.

Sirius, shakily grabbed the letter from the owls beak and made no movement as the owl flew out of the room and exited via chimney.

"It's for me." Sirius said brushing the hair out of his eyes. James put down his tea with a clatter, spilling it all over the counter as he rushed to his friends side. "I'm going to get married." said Sirius in a hollow, distant voice.

"Open it." James prodded, his face no longer portraying the handsome, joking features of that morning.

"I can't." Sirius said dropping the letter on the table. He eyed it with dread before turning towards James with an oddly panicked demeanor. "You open it."

"Are you sure?" James asked holding the letter in his hands.

"Just do it." Sirius said his face unreadable.

James slowly ripped open the envelope which was clearly written to Sirius Black in a loopy black pen. The paper was cream colored and slipped out easily as James carefully read every line with pursed lips.

"Well?" Sirius said with obvious concern at his friends silence.

"Sirius," James answered in a disembodied calm gaining his wits, "I don't know how to break this to you, so I'll just say it." He turned to his friend, now wildly alarmed, and took a deep breath. " You're supposed to marry Snape."

James watched as Sirius turned a bloodless shade of white and his expressions regulated from shock to anger. He tore the letter from James' hands roughly and his eyes spilled over the text eagerly.

"No." Sirius softly choked. "This is a sick joke. I can't marry Snape. I can't marry a man-- much less Snape. It's just bloody rotten of them to-"

"You can appeal." James said staring at the letter.

"What good will that do me!?" Sirius shouted jumping out of his chair causing it to fall to the floor with a bang. "Look at those poor sodding people with their appeals--" he wailed grabbing the Daily Prophet. "Do you think anyone cares!?"

"Look I'm just trying to help you! I know you're upset, this is mad even-" James said picking up the chair.

"You're bloody right it's mad!" Sirius screamed hysterically waving the Prophet. "I'm marrying my childhood enemy! Of all the damn wizards and witches in the UK-- I have to marry Snape!"

"Talk to them okay?" James said taking Sirius by the shoulders. "Maybe you won't have to marry him."

Sirius slowly slid to the floor as he let the Prophet slip through his fingers. He closed his eyes and hit the back of his head against the counter. James kneeled down, intensely concerned.

"It's hopeless." said Sirius opening his eyes and looking out the window into the cheery green yard. "The appeal will do us no good you know."

"Don't say that." James begged.

"I've heard of stories like this happening James. No one has ever successfully appealed an arranged marriage. This match was made in magic, you can't break it." Sirius breathed. "There's nothing I can do. I just have to marry the evil, greasy sod."

"No one takes these marriages seriously. And it's not like you can't be with anybody else." James replied.

"Merlin, I can only imagine what he looks like now." Sirius rambled scrunching up his nose. "Maybe we can kill him." He said turning towards James. "You know he's got to be knee deep in Dark Arts by now. They wouldn't make me marry a Death Eater."

"I'm pretty sure they check for those things before they match you up Padfoot." James sighed.

"This is what I get for not getting hitched like you." Sirius laughed mirthlessly.

"And rid the world of England's most notorious bachelor?" James said with a shaky laugh. "Who knows? Maybe it can be like old times. We can torment him all the time like we used to. You can force him to wash his hair now- you're his fiance."

"His fiance." Sirius sighed burying his face in his hands. "Merlin, this is balls."

"I'm sure he's not thrilled about the news either." James replied standing up. "Come on, we have to report to the Ministry to set up a wedding date. If you don't show you get them barging through your front door. I don't want to explain to Lily why our house is full of angry wizards."

"When is Lily coming back with Harry?" Sirius asked.

"Not sure. I'll leave a message." James said.

"Be sure to keep her up to date. 'Sirius is marrying childhood git, be back soon.'" Sirius huffed.

"I'll think of something. Right now, we have to take care of this." James said picking Sirius off of the floor.

SsSsSsS

The waiting room was full of young witches and wizards. Some were crying, others looked extremely pleased, and of course most was looking nervous. James tried not to stare at a young girl who was already wearing a wedding gown while another young man kept shouting, 'this is a mistake' to anyone who glanced in his direction.

A strict looking witch with thick red glasses called people from the crowd to go behind a very large door. The crowd was noisy, but every time the woman with red glasses walked out, people anxiously waited to hear their name called.

"Do you think he'll show up?" Sirius asked after waiting two hours in the uncomfortable room.

"I don't know. I haven't seen him- but then again, I didn't know we were looking for him." James replied. He scanned the room swiftly but it was near impossible to pick out individuals in a crowd that size.

The large door opened and the attendant walked out causing the room to go into an immediate hush.

"Sirius Black... Severus Snape!" She bellowed.

James' jaw clenched as Sirius made his way to the door and he saw the familiar gate of Snape push through the crowd. If Sirius was angry, Snape looked absolutely beside himself with fury. Every movement and feature within his being looked twisted and loathing as he set his eyes upon Sirius.

Sirius returned the look with equal intensity as Snape wordlessly slipped through the door. He hadn't bothered to keep it open for Sirius to walk though.

"I'll meet you back at the house." Sirius said to James as he followed the assistant. Sirius kept his eyes forward as he walked the long curved hallway.

His focus was on Snape, who had not changed much from last he saw him. He was still skinny with sallow skin, and his hair was limp and greasy. His nose was outlandishly huge, and he still wore the same ugly, angry expression. It was clear Snape still wanted him to drop dead.

Sirius was led into a small office room. Snape sat down in the chair closest to the door, his arms crossed and giving the ministry official a scathing look. Sirius remained standing and the wizard finally looked up, papers in hand, with a small smile.

"Ah, Misters Snape and Black." He acknowledged nodding his head. "Thank you so much for coming."

"I'm filing for an appeal." Snape snapped nastily. "Is there some sort of office here I go to get that done? No use wasting time when I can file it in one trip."

"Ha ha. I see." The Ministry official replied unfazed. "Well in the meantime, I'm afraid I can't let you leave until we pick out a wedding date."

"There isn't going to be a wedding." Sirius growled. "I don't know what crackpot you have playing match-maker, but you better be able to come up with something better then this!" he shouted waving his hand at Snape.

"Listen, there is nothing we can do. These are the rules." The official said in a calm voice. "You're just going to have to bite the bullet. Now, do you want to be married in the spring or the fall?"

"I can't marry him! I _hate _him!" Sirius added, his hands gripping the desk. "Anybody else. PLEASE! Match me up with somebody else!"

"Surely even your incompetent organization can match up two people who don't _absolutely loathe_ each other." Snape spat letting his hatred wash over.

"Very well, that's twenty years in Azkaban minimum. You were chosen for your bloodlines. Being matched with a pureblood produces an 80 chance of magical offspring. Of course, purebloods are harder to come by-"

"OFFSPRING!?" Snape roared springing out of his seat, spit flying from his mouth. "YOU. CAN'T. BE. SERIOUS!"

"Enough!" The official shouted finally losing his cool and looking completely frazzled. "You think you're the first to cause me grief? I've been doing this for three straight months. Go ahead, file your appeal-- but in the meantime expect yourselves to be married with at least one child on the way. If not then say goodbye to friends and family and we'll ship you off to be with the dementors."

Sirius looked over at Snape and saw he was shaking furiously with clenched fists. The official took a deep breath and shoved a piece of paper in front of them.

"Spring or Fall?"

"Spring." Sirius mumbled eager to get the paper out of his face.

"Will you both be keeping your last names or do you want them changed?"

"I'm keeping mine." Sirius scowled.

Snape said nothing but continued to look murderously at the official as he filled out paper work.

"You will be getting a dowery from the Ministry, a new house in the neighborhood of your choosing and a seven day honeymoon of any location."

"Do we have to pay for our honeymoon in Hell, or is that complimentary?" Snape hissed.

"Most wedding expenses will be covered by the Ministry." The official said ignoring Snape's comment. "We'll send you a wedding planner so you know exactly how much money everything is. Also, it would be appreciated if you gave us a guest list in advance. Since both your parents are living, we'll be needing their signatures--"

"My parents will not be showing up." Snape said waspishly. "Nor anyone I respect enough to witness this tragedy."

"Ignore him, his parents had high hopes he'd marry a nice Jewish boy." Sirius mocked.

"I am NOT gay!" Snape growled clenching his teeth.

"Oh please, those rumors of you being the ultimate closet-case are still floating around Hogwarts." Sirius said with a grin. He was satisfied to see Snape blanche but it was replaced quickly with a look of pure hatred.

"You won't touch me, you disgusting reprobate." Snape said looking murderous.

"Wouldn't dream of it, Snivellus, you're absolutely disgusting." Sirius retorted.

Snapes lip quivered as he muttered obscenities; the official didn't seem to notice or care, much to Sirius' distaste.

"Alright, your wedding is booked for the 18 of May." He said cheerfully handing Snape a paper with wedding bells on it. Snape allowed it to drop on the floor, as he had seem to lost most of his motor functions.

"Wait-- here's the neighborhood I want to live in." Sirius interrupted quickly jotting down James and Lily's address. "You can do that for me, right? Godric's Hollow."

"I'll just type it in." The official chirped typing into a computer that had no wires. He looked relieved to receive some positive feedback. " We'll owl you the address, and you both can move in before the weekend."

"And if I refuse?" Snape spat.

"We'll see it as a breach of contract."

"I didn't sign shit." Snape scowled, trembling. "This is a stunning piece of tyranny you've managed to push on the wizarding population."

"Well you can always file for an appeal. That's well within your right." The official said cooly. "Second door on the left by the way."

Snape gnashed his teeth before kicking his chair over and marching out of the door. Sirius could only imagine what sort of terrible thoughts was running through his mind.

"What horrible manners. He's lucky to be with anyone at all, with that kind of attitude." said the official shaking his head.

"Fuck off." Sirius spat getting up from his chair. "Asshole." he added for good measure.

SsSsSsS

It was no surprise to Sirius that he was questioned thoroughly before his first step in the Potter household. On the way there, he contemplated the Azkaban lifestyle, but couldn't stand the thought of saying goodbye to his friends. As he opened the door, he was shocked, if not a little touched, to find Lily in tears and Remus looking very worried from the living room couch. James had been waiting at the door, eager to get first word about what had happened in the Ministry office.

"We've just been told." Lily sniffled. "I'm so sorry Sirius! You should be free to marry someone you love!"

"Yeah, well it gets worse," Sirius said crossing his arms. "The ministry official told us we need to produce offspring. Shit if I know how we will do that."

James looked sick and opened his mouth to say something but Remus shook his head firmly to shut him up.

"When is the wedding?" Remus asked gravely.

"The 18 of May, next year. Although I think there's a good chance you guys will be the only one's coming. Snape made it clear he isn't bringing any family-- or friends if he has any." Sirius mumbled.

"I doubt it." James huffed.

"We got a house." Sirius added as he walked into the kitchen. Everyone followed listening intently. "I requested we get one on this street. I don't think Snape knows you live here or he would have put up a huge fuss."

"How was he?" Lily asked a slight note of concern in her voice as she picked up baby Harry.

"Ha- you should have seen him. All pale and trembling, being typical Snivellus-- a total git-- nothing has changed. I think he was too enraged to realize half of what was going on." Sirius scoffed. "Not that I blame him, I don't want to marry the bastard either."

"So they just gave you a house to live in?" Remus questioned, "That seems hardly fair for a lifetime of marriage along with the order to procreate."

Sirius couldn't help wincing and chose to ignored Remus' comment. James looked as if one of his close friends had died, and Lily was hastily pushing Harry's hand away as he tried pulling her hair.

"The Ministry is paying for the wedding. They're sending a planner." Sirius mumbled as he sat at the table. "I just know Snape is going to be a pain in the arse about it. But maybe if they witness how horrible we are for each other, they'll realize what a huge mistake they've made."

"Lets hope so." James sighed.


	2. Romance in the Waffle House

It wasn't long before Sirius received another owl with his new address. He had currently been living in a suite because he had cut his ties with his family for quite some time. However, he wasn't sure he wanted to part from his home even if no one would be living in it.

"_There's no use paying for it if I'm not going to be here._" Sirius thought cryptically. The image of spending his days with constant doses of Snape was enough to make anyone depressed.

The job of packing up wasn't difficult, especially if you were a wizard. It only took him a half hour, he didn't have much anyway- home was just a place to sleep. Real life was on the outside. Looking at his suite never felt so strange, like he was forced to move on in another chapter in his life. All that remained was some furniture.

Sirius hopped on is motorcycle and sped all the way to James' street. As he turned the corner, he took out his letter and checked the house number. It was a moderately well sized house, with a cheery green lawn. There was a spacious backyard that extended to a creek and a little bit of woods; also there was a nice wooden deck.

Sure, it looked nice. But nothing would make living there tolerable.

Sirius found that Snape had not yet arrived, and for that he was grateful. He wanted to get comfortable with his surroundings before Snape blitzed him with his usual snarkyness. He grabbed his key and walked to the door, it was freshly painted. He opened the door and peeked inside.

There was nice carpeting and a staircase leading to the second floor.

"No furniture." Sirius scoffed. "Figures."

Sirius wandered upstairs and found a spacious room that he deemed his. He unpacked his things, thankful he had brought a set of drawers along with his bed. As it got darker outside, the summer sun no longer lit the room.

"No lamps." Sirius rolled his eyes. He went downstairs and set a fire in the fireplace. Just as he was about to go upstairs to bed, he heard the front door open.

Snape was not pleased as he rested his eyes on Sirius.

"Welcome home." Sirius growled resting his arm on the railing.

"This is not my home. This is temporary." Snape snapped setting his suitcase down.

"Lets hope. I know I am." Sirius replied, his eyes at Snape's hand. He had anticipated a fight breaking out all day. If there was to be one he wasn't going to let his enemy get the first shot in.

"Indeed." Snape spat. "Stay out of my way." he said while stalking toward the basement door.

"The bedrooms are upstairs." Sirius said matter-of-factly.

"Your bedroom is upstairs." Snape replied cooly.

"You're going to sleep in the basement?" Sirius mocked. "That's so very Slytherin."

"And your attempts to bed anything remotely human is so very like the reputation that proceeds you." Snape said in an icy tone.

"Oh don't worry, I don't consider you remotely human in the least." Sirius snarled. "But still hanging onto that thin strand of hope of losing your virginity, are we?"

"Your over-confidence in subjects you have no knowledge of give testament to your arrogance. While I cringe with horror over the thought of being intimate with you, I shudder more violently as I ponder the after-math and what sort of STDs I might contract." Snape replied.

"Why the hell do you talk like that?" Sirius scoffed. "Speak regular English like the rest of us. Pursue some of that snobbery and effort into your appearance- wash your hair for christsakes."

Snape's face went pink and he pursed his thin lips together before grabbing his suitcase and disappearing down the dark basement.

"Git!" Sirius barked as he slammed the door shut.

SsSsSsS

Sirius woke up to a rather obscure oder that was quite potent, as if coming from the room itself. He choked and gagged, sitting up as all slept left him. The back of his throat tasted like he had been breathing the foul air for hours, furthermore it was lingering to the inside of his mouth making it taste sour.

"What the hell!?" He shouted furiously jumping out of bed and running downstairs. The smell got stronger, taking on a burnt-rubber-like twist as he made long strides to the basement door.

Sirius temper traveled from his gut to his fists as he pounded the door, making it rattle. The thought of waking up to noxious fumes, as a morning greeting from Snape, sent him on edge. He idly wondered if Snape knew how much of a murderous rage he was in, if he would make a run for it.

"Open the damn door!" He roared turning the knob erratically. He heard footsteps swiftly thump before coming face-to-face with Snape, who was seething.

"What do you think you're doing?" Snape snarled, his fingers white from gripping the door-frame.

Sirius was slightly unsettled that Snape had gone on the offensive, but quickly recovered as he shot his nemesis an incredulous glare.

"Are you serious?" he hissed smacking Snape lightly on the bridge of his nose. "Your huge fucking beak can't smell this burnt-skunk funk?"

Snape wiped his nose with the back of his sleeve instinctively before returning the look of utter loathing he was trying to perfect.

"That 'funk' is coming from a very important potion. The smell is a draw-back, but the benefits are unwavering." He replied haughtily. "You do know what a potion is, am I correct? We had a class devoted to it if you remember-- take your time to sort out the academic parts from the idiocy that is your life. The smallest portion is the part I'm talking about."

Snape was smirking slightly with a look that portrayed a cat that had just delivered a devastating swipe to a mouse. Sirius, in response, made one fluid, brisk punch to his groin. His eyes popped with shock and watered as the sensation finally caught up with his consciousness. Snape arched over in a bizarre hunch that only his ungainly figure could justify and clasped both hands between his legs, leaning heavily on the door-frame before grunting in agony.

Sirius allowed himself to smirk before shutting the door on Snape's face.

SsSsSsS

Sirius was obliged to leave the smelly house behind as he jumped on his motorcycle. He was meeting James at a famed waffle house, something they did every Saturday morning whenever possible. He found James playing with his fork, in their usual booth, the menu unread and untouched because they had known the dishes by heart.

"Padfoot, you look well." James said looking up. "How were things last night?"

"It's not last night that was so bloody awful." Sirius growled. "It was this morning."

"Snape didn't try to..." James trailed off uncomfortably. "Try anything inappropriate, did he?"

Sirius made a disgusted face and sat down swiftly.

"No, we're keeping our distances." He replied. " Although he's smelling up my house with the most putrid potion I've ever had the misfortune of sniffing."

"He's making potions indoors?" James asked after taking a swig of orange juice. "Well that's ruddy dangerous, could catch something on fire."

"He's in the basement." Sirius glowered. "Where he belongs as far as I'm concerned. The only thing more fitting would be a bridge, where he could live under it and ask people questions before they crossed."

The waitress had finally swung around, eyeing Sirius with pleasure. She gave him a particularly good-natured grin before asking their orders. James ordered his usual, but Sirius was in such a bad mood he said he could only stomach toast. She cast him a flirty look that he ignored.

"So, what are you going to do when the wedding rolls around and you have to ...uh, touch him?" James hesitatingly asked.

"I don't know. I've been blocking that part out of my head." Sirius groaned tapping his knife against his glass nervously. "I've been hoping it won't happen."

"Maybe it'll get easier if you take things slow." James said. At this, Sirius started alarmingly, "Really, really slow. You know, try patting him on the back. Then when you're comfortable with that, just put your arm around his shoulders or something." James rambled on.

"You sound like Moony! You're trying to pacify the situation- aren't you!" Sirius barked. James shrugged guiltily. "You talked to him about this already, didn't you!?" he accused.

"Yes. But I'm only trying to help." James pleaded as he held up his hands in surrender.

"You-- we-- James. I _hate _Snape. _We _hate Snape." Sirius choked. "I can barely look at him without wanting to break him in half. For Merlin's sake, this morning I punched him in the family jewels! He's an evil, bitter, slimy git, and you two are trying to encourage me to give him back scratches!?"

James looked deeply disturbed, and slightly shamed at his friends rage. He took another swig of his orange juice before replying miserably.

"I'm sorry. You're right. It's just I worry and I don't want you to go to Azkaban."

To this Sirius couldn't respond. The waitress dropped off their breakfast and couldn't understand that the heavy silence was coming from the amount of gloom radiating off the two of them. She lingered a little longer attempting to catch Sirius' attention before winking and smiling warmly, a gesture that was not appreciated at the moment.

"Merlin's beard." James said in awe. He was looking at the entrance of the restaurant inquiringly.

"What?" Sirius asked half-heartingly. He had absent-mindedly buttered and jammed the same piece of toast so that it was dripping heavily onto his plate.

"Speak of the devil, it's Snape, and he's with Lucius Malfoy." James replied. "He looks pretty happy for a guy that got 'punched in the family jewels'."

"Why would Malfoy be here? He hates muggles." Sirius said popping his head up to get a better look.

Their waitress was seating the pair with much less enthusiasm as she had with Sirius and James. Malfoy's cane clacked on the tile before hitting the rug, he was prestigious looking to any wizard, but the attire was just odd for a muggle breakfast house. Snape, in his usual black, was trailing behind, looking pleased. They were seated on the opposite side of James' usual booth, making it difficult for them to spot.

"Anything that makes Snape happy can't be good." Sirius chanted his long-term mantra.

"Maybe he's going to try and get back at you for being an awful house-mate." James said. "Damn, I haven't got my invisibility cloak. We could have slipped it on to see what they're up to."

"I wouldn't expect you to have it. It's not often we need it for breakfast." Sirius replied sardonically.

They watched as their waitress pulled another waitress aside and giggled. They caught James' questioning glance before bringing the bill.

"We're still hungry." James said firmly handing the bill back to her. She shot them a confused look before taking it from his grasp gratefully. Sirius' plate was nearly full and James still had half a stack of pancakes on his. "Can we see the menu again?"

"Of course." She replied stealing another side glance at Sirius. He smiled and finally rewarded her as he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. This had the desired effect as she left looking a little red in the face. She was back with menus within a minutes time.

"I'll have the steak and eggs." Sirius said with another charming smile.

"Did you want me to clear your plates?" She asked looking at his drippy, soggy toast.

"No thanks." James said, "And I'll have the same."

As she left, James and Sirius stood in their seats, trying to get another look at Snape and Malfoy.

Snape was leaning heavily towards Malfoy, their fingertips barely touching. They shared what was a stiff, yet tense body language. Snape was smirking as Lucius was ignoring him, his nostrils flared upon looking at his cheery surroundings. They only had their drinks but there was no menus, so they must have ordered.

"Aren't they weird?" their waitress interrupted as she refilled Sirius' glass for the fifth time. James' glass was empty and untouched, except for the melted ice. "They look like they just jumped out of a medieval storybook. I thought the renaissance fair opened in October." she chuckled.

"Yeah, they're really strange." Sirius agreed. "I bet their conversation is full of 'thee's' and 'thou's' and all that prattle."

"Actually, they're talking about marriage." The waitress replied leaning over so her breasts were at Sirius' eye level. "And I think they're poufs, because the one with the greasy hair is practically falling into the blonds lap ."

"Is he now." James replied dryly looking at her breasts before grabbing the pitcher from her hand. He refilled his glass with tight lips and shot her a meaningful glare.

Sirius didn't reply, and the waitress waited a little longer before it became apparent that she had no reason to hang around.

"I thought you said that Snape was unhappy about the marriage?" James asked frowning a little.

"He is. Was." Sirius fumbled. "It wasn't an act, he was just as upset as I was walking into that marriage office."

"Oh Merlin." James said lividly gripping the table hard.

"What?" Sirius asked turning around in time to see Snape smirk widen.

"You missed it," James choked. "They kissed."

"What!?" Sirius shouted louder than he meant to.

"Shhh!"

Sirius hunched down in his seat. His stomach tightened and he growled into a whisper, "Snape said, no shouted, he 'wasn't gay'."

"Well he was lying. Don't be so shocked. Remember the magazines?" James scowled sitting lower in his seat. "I feel sick."

"I can't imagine someone as...not bad looking as Malfoy being interested in Snape." Sirius spat. "Don't quote me on that." He added hastily.

"They have to be screwing with us." James said softly. "What are the odds they'd show up in the same restaurant-- a _muggle_ restaurant?"

"Malfoy's handing something to Snape." Sirius said lifting himself from the booth slowly. "The grease-ball's got that look on his face. It's that shit-eatting grin he gets when he has something up his sleeve."

The waitress returned with their steaks and eggs. She smiled widely before informing them that Malfoy had quickly scanned the room before giving Snape a quick smooch.

"They didn't think anyone was looking, but my friend Becky saw." She laughed.

"Who's marriage were they talking about?" Sirius questioned urgently. Had James asked it, the outlandish inquiry would have been a put-off.

"I think their own, the blonde gave the other a ring." She replied pleased that Sirius was taking an interest.

"Oh my God... Was it an engagement ring?" Sirius said looking truly sick.

"I don't know, I only saw the one with the big nose slip it on his index finger." She said. "I can find out for you, if you want." She added with an excited titter, as if it were a dangerous mission.

"Could you?" Sirius said, not appearing happy or charming.

She left immediately, forgetting to get James new silverware. Sirius stabbed at his steak, lost in thought.

"You don't think..." Sirius said slowly frowning, "that Snape is going to try and marry Malfoy, do you?"

"Would Malfoy propose in a muggle restaurant?" James said skeptically.

"It's a silver ring." The waitress said with a wide grin. "It's got black and white stars on the band. It looks like the band actually-"

"-moves?" Sirius asked grimly. "Like there's two pieces to it?"

"Well, yes." She replied looking surprised. She awkwardly waited for some sign of praise from Sirius, but none came.

"Thanks." James said trying in vain to dismiss her. Another customer called for her attention and she left reluctantly. "Well I'll be damned. A wizard engagement ring...he proposed in a waffle house. There must be a blizzard in Hell."

"Fucking ridiculous." Sirius snarled.

"This doesn't make sense." James laughed mirthlessly. "Malfoy is already married, and Snape's engaged. It doesn't matter if he's married to Malfoy, he still has to marry you."

"He can marry us both." Sirius said, his scowl never faltering. "Legally, he's allowed."

James took a hesitant bite of his steak before replying.

"Why would Malfoy want to marry him?"

"I _don't know_ James!" Sirius shouted sternly. He sighed deeply, "I'm sorry Prongs. You're the last person I should be snapping at."

They sat in silence, neither speaking as they slowly picked at their food. James observed Lucius get up, say something that made Snape laugh, and exit. Snape stood up moments later, still smirking happily (he never did smile) before throwing some money on the table.

"He's going to the restroom." James informed tentatively. "I'm going to drag him over here." He watched Sirius for signs of objection, but there were none.

James weaved between tables, making his way to the mens room in a swift trot. Snape had not yet noticed his pursuer, and moments later he was looking very angry as James pulled him along.

"Sit down and have some breakfast." Sirius said sarcastically as James loosened his grip.

"No, I'd rather not." Snape spat shooting the overly- jammed toast a sneer.

"Sit down Snivellus." James insisted pushing him forcibly into their booth. Snape looked outraged as he almost banged his face on the table and reached for his wand.

"Muggles Snape, not a good idea." James spat looking at Snape's wand hand. Reluctantly, he withdrew and put both hands in his lap.

"Have some toast." Sirius laughed throwing him the drippy piece Snape had looked at.

Snape remained silent as he sat in the corner, pinned between James and Sirius, his hands in his lap.

"So why am I here? Going to hit me again?" He asked in a soft, dangerous voice.

"Hit you?" Sirius repeated tilting his head. Snape's face paled. "Oh-- your groin-- right, well, you were being a prat."

"Are we making you uncomfortable?" James asked shuffling closer towards Snape. Snape cowered a bit, trying not to bump elbows with him.

"Actually, we wanted to know why _you're_ here." Sirius said crossing his arms.

"Breakfast." Snape replied hatefully. "Surely you know this is a place they serve food, seeing as you've seemed to have ordered enough for a dragon."

"Helping yourself to a little more than food though, aren't we?" James said grabbing his wrist and pulling it on the table. The ring of stars was on his index finger, the band spinning slowly.

"Get off!" Snape snarled wrenching his hand out of James' grip. "It's no business of yours what I do."

"Malfoy gave that to you." Sirius barked. "You're engaged to him. We saw you kiss. He proposed in a waffle house. Those Malfoys sure are romantic, aren't they?"

"You're spying on me now?" Snape replied savagely.

"You're one to talk-- all you did was follow us around in school, trying to get us expelled." James hissed. "Tell us- why are you marrying Malfoy?"

"As euphoric as it is, being engaged to Black," Snape said silkily sneering at Sirius, " I was not going to pass up such an opportunity as marrying into the Malfoy family. You didn't really think I wanted to spend the rest of my days with you, did you? How quaint." he added.

"So you're pining finally paid off huh? Seeing how you're 'not gay' how did you get him to agree? A love potion?" Sirius accused.

" We've been talking about it for years." Snape spat. "Not that it's any of your business."

"Liar." James growled. "Who would want to marry you? Malfoy showed no interest in you at school."

Snape's mouth twitched unpleasantly and seethed, crossing his arms defiantly.

"I was young when he graduated." He replied shortly. "Do your research before confronting me with your daft accusations. Move your ass, Potter."

Snape rose from his seat and attempted to push James out of his way. James, however didn't budge, and shoved Snape roughly into his seat. The waitress showed up again carrying a pitcher of water. She appeared surprised to see Snape as an addition to their party.

"Can I get you anything?" She asked Snape looking annoyed. Sirius' charms were starting to ware thin. They had been at the restaurant for a couple hours, and had shown no signs of leaving.

Snape was about to say something until there was the sound of a woman shouting. They all turned toward the entrance only to see an owl flying towards them, a letter clutched in it's talons. Their waitress had dropped her pen and pad of paper and was now shrieking as it flew above her, releasing it's message in Sirius' lap.

He recognized who it was from at once. It was scarlet, with white frilly trim. Sirius paled before shooting James a panicked look. He saw the owl had zoomed out of an open window, and the waitress was staring at all three of them in astonishment.

"They're not going to make me marry another one!" Sirius panicked. "Oh my God-- What if it's Malfoy!?"

Snape took advantage of the chaos and slipped outside as James dealt with the owl issue and paid the huge bill while leaving a generous tip. Sirius jogged swiftly up to Snape's side before roughly pulling him aside.

"This letter is addressed to the both of us." He said also grabbing Snape's wand hand. Snape pulled himself free of Sirius grip before hissing,

"Well open it."

"I swear to the Almighty if your engagement somehow forces me to marry Malfoy you'll mysteriously die in your sleep." Sirius threatened as he ripped open the letter. His face darkened at the words written in loopy, black ink. "Our parents, since they are living, have to sign our wedding certificate. Ministry orders. Do they think we're 10-years-old and asking to go to summer camp?" Sirius asked glumly. He met Snape's horrified expression with amusement. "I take it you didn't tell them we were getting married either."

Snape pursed his lips together, his face turning the color of sour milk. "Of course I didn't." he replied sharply. " If my father..."

"Ha- like your parents could ever contend with mine." Sirius huffed.

Snape shot him a very disturbingly doubtful look, which was difficult for Sirius to shake off.

"I think they should meet at James' house." Sirius suggested. Snape snorted rudely as if he had been insulted. "They have a nice home. I don't exactly want my parents to know where we live. And they're both wizards, which is bound to impress your parents, I'm sure. So long as you don't call Lily a 'mudblood'."

Snape hesitated before saying slowly, "I don't think it would make much difference to my parents what sort of pureblood social image you portray. In fact, I would suggest you play down the wizarding heritage. My father is not very fond of magic, nor homosexuality."

"What!?" Sirius shouted angrily.

"Just don't blow me any kisses or call me pet names." Snape sneered.

"You know damn well what I'm talking about-- why isn't your father fond of magic?" Sirius shouted once more. Snape crossed his arms and remained silent, staring at him cooly. "He's a fucking muggle- isn't he? Why you dirty snake, making sure everyone believe you were a pureblood!"

Snape's eyes flashed dangerously before hissing, "As if you could ever understand."

"Well we have a problem." Sirius stated. "My parents are full of pure-blood wizarding snobbery, the kind you paraded around at Hogwarts. They're furious enough at me for rejecting their ways, if they know I'm marrying a half-blood they'll refuse to sign the certificate."

"And my father won't sign if he thinks I'm a homosexual. So we're going to have to come up with something, aren't we?" Snape replied. "We'll have to think of a way to get them to sign without them knowing fully what they're signing."

"Bloody hell." Sirius sighed. "Fine. Lets hear some ideas."

SsSsSsS

Authors Note: Thanks to everyone who submitted a review. It's pathetic, but they really do make my day.


	3. Parental Control

Authors Note: I think I did a pretty good job writing about the 'rents. The idea of Sirius being a in a dress is tempting, but unfortunately by the time the idea was pitched I had already written this installment and it was too long to change. But kudos to my creative reviewers.

SsSsSsS

James kept his wand out, lurking upstairs trying to keep Harry quiet as Lily rehearsed her "history" assuming the identity of Sirius Black. She had suggested that Sirius take a potion that allowed him turn into a girl, but he had promptly responded,

"Screw that, what if I take the potion and _it _doesn't grow back?"

Snape was pacing in the kitchen, telling her what to say, when to be quiet, and how to change the topic of conversation discretely. Sirius noted with some triumph that Snape was extremely annoyed to find out that James lived six houses down from their residence.

"Do not talk to my father if you can help it." Snape warned darkly. "You...uh...remember what he is like."

Lily's eyes narrowed slightly, causing Sirius to gaze curiously at her odd expression. He was pretending to be Lily's cousin, and a witness to the signing of the certificate. Upon his instructions, he wasn't to speak at all. The doorbell rang, and there was an ominous silence before Snape left to answer the door.

Despite the cheeriness of the room, Lily found herself immersed in a heavy, dark atmosphere as Tobias Snape walked in with Eileen wordlessly trailing behind him. Sirius cleared his throat nervously.

The man was taller than Severus, more full around the chest and arms. He was wearing all black, his hair neatly cut and he wore the most ugly expression of suspicion and disgust. His nose was large and hooked, and he was looking at Lily with a predatory gaze. There was no ounce of pleasantness in his expression, and he paid Sirius no mind.

"Sirius." Severus said in an even tone towards Lily. "These are my parents, Tobias and Eileen."

Sirius couldn't help but thinking the two creatures before him could only be Severus' parents. The mother was thin and unattractive, her small frame passed to her son. She gazed at Lily questioningly, as if there was some sort of suspicious mystery to be solved.

"And who is this?" she asked turning to him.

"That is Sirius' cousin. He will be our witness today." Severus informed putting a pen into Eileen's hand. "Sign here, mother."

"Wait." Tobias said softly. Eileen lifted her hand and gazed at her husband looking sour, much to Severus' and Sirius' annoyance. "Why the rush? Let's get to know your fiance. We haven't heard of this marriage business until you sprung it on us yesterday."

Tobias slipped into a chair, facing opposite of Lily. He was glaring at her intensely, his hands folded resting on the table. Eileen sat next to him, studying the outside porch as Sirius sat next to Lily. Severus remained standing, breathing deeply and slowly.

"Sirius...that's a strange name." Tobias said with a nasty grin.

"So is Severus, I suppose." Lily responded cautiously.

"Believe me, I would have rather named him Stephen, but his mother wouldn't hear of it." Tobias scowled. "Wizard names tend to be abnormal."

"You would have named him anything, the mental state you were in." Eileen said cooly.

Sirius suspected keeping age-old grudges was a learned behavior in the Snape household. The fact that Severus' name had become fodder for an argument showed how the Snape family did not forgive and forget easily. He looked toward Severus who watched the scene casually, as if the remark was as well rehearsed as the lies of his marriage.

"If you're insinuating that I'm a witch, you are correct." Lily responded evenly. Severus frowned slightly but remained silent as Tobias smirked.

"That is a painfully obvious observation, dear." Tobias said in his thick British accent rocking back in his chair. "Sirius Black...you know, I believe I have heard Severus say that name before. But I don't think he was talking about you. In fact...you look slightly familiar."

Severus seemed to have stopped breathing, and the silence that followed hung heavily in the room. Sirius had never quite had the experience of a person strangling the light out of the atmosphere. He wondered how someone as respectable as Lily could ever have ties to the Snape household, but his musings were shattered as Lily cleared her throat before responding.

"Anything you remember in the past I must ask you to leave in the past Mr. Snape." Lily said softly, "Severus and I are looking towards a future, and to do so requires your signature. Although, I must admit it would please us to have your blessing as well."

"My blessing?" Tobias questioned raising his eyebrows. "Over what? Your freakish powers to manipulate the natural? Well, you don't need my blessing for that. Your long and happy life together? My son has made it quite clear he does not want me in his life- past, present, or future. I can only conclude that you want me to sign a certificate to validate your marriage. Keep your blessing's for someone who finds meaning in them."

"What difference does it make to you?" Severus scowled.

Sirius and Lily exchanged worried glances before watching Tobias turn towards his son slyly.

"I thought you weren't talking to me anymore?" Tobias said with a grin.

"It's a promise I find myself breaking with regret." Severus replied icily.

"Ever since you were six-years-old." Tobias laughed. "Still bitter about Dante?"

"You murdered him!" Severus shouted in an outburst.

"His goat." Tobias exclaimed calmly, turning back to Lily and Sirius who was stunned at the sudden outbreak. "It had a cruel streak, and it was ill. Still, he insists that I made him kill the animal out of spite. We put the poor thing out of its misery."

"That's a LIE! He was perfectly healthy!" Severus shrieked spit flying from his mouth. "You made me shoot him because I _loved_ him!"

"Dear me, my son has a bad temper." Tobias chuckled. "Tell me dear, do you really want me to sign this certificate?"

Lily nodded, slightly agape as Tobias plucked the pen out of Eileen's fingers and signed his name. Soon, Snape's parents' name were written on the certificate. Tobias held out his hand, and said,

"You will understand if we don't show up for the wedding, won't you?"

"Of course." Lily replied shaking the hand of a pet killer. She felt repulsed as she watched them go, leaving as though they were strangers who had just dropped in to use the telephone.

"Oh. My. God." Sirius said finding his voice as Snape walked into the room. "My parents-in-law's are _freaks_."

"Severus..." Lily spoke softly looking sad. " I'm so sorry. "

Sirius had a feeling he was missing a piece of a very complex puzzle where none of the shapes fit right. Snape's eyes narrowed looking revolted at Lily's open expression of pity, plainly written across her face. Snape said nothing but turned on his heel and left, slamming to door behind him.

SsSsSsS

Sirius, with some nervousness, had not seen or heard from Snape for days after his exit from Lily and James house at Godric's Hollow. Normally his absent behavior would be welcomed, but the certificate with only Snape's family's name written on it made him squirm with displeasure. He wondered, with frustration, if Snape meant for him to get the other signatures himself. This greatly annoyed him because Snape's plan to use Lily as a decoy had worked, and he was certain that if he introduced James as his pure-blood husband or Lily as his faux pure-blood bride things were bound to fall apart.

Sirius glared at the certificate on James' kitchen table as if it was toxin.

"Wow, if looks could kill." James said walking in the room with Harry in his arms.

"Well, my looks are killer." Sirius replied with a wry smile. It was one of their old, dumb Hogwarts come-backs. "Tell me something, does Snivellus get off the hook and I go to Azkaban if this fucking thing isn't signed?"

"Padfoot!" James shouted horrified causing Harry to stir. "The baby!"

"Sorry." Sirius apologized half-hearted. " I haven't seen him around you know."

"Who? Snape?" James said hugging Harry as he cooed. "Is he not at the house?"

"No." Sirius mumbled. "I suspect he's...with Malfoy."

"Why is that?" James asked bored.

"Because..." Sirius shifted most uncomfortably, "...because I broke into the basement downstairs. I was looking through his stuff and saw some things."

James slowly turned his head towards Sirius, frowning slightly.

"Is that supposed to be my cue to say, 'what kind of things Padfoot?'" James asked.

Sirius leaned over, covering his hands over baby Harry's ears who was swatting at them playfully.

"I found some magazines similar to the kind that we saw in our third year when we cursed him." Sirius said.

Sirius need not elaborate any farther; James recalled the incident that had given them great amusement. Snape had been cursed so his things flew everywhere, and was making pain-staking efforts to keep the flap of his backpack closed before having it wrenched open. The magazines they saw was a bunch of male models in underwear, each looking handsome but unmoving in their pictures. Snape had no real explanation that could stick as to why he was hauling muggle magazines around, and the Marauders had made sure there were rumors of Snape's supposed unhealthy homosexual interests.

"I also found condoms." Sirius said whispering.

"So maybe he's doing it with girls." James suggested, the heat traveling from Sirius' face seemed infectious. This was not their everyday sex-talk. "Guys don't need to use condoms with other guys, right? I mean, there's no need, you can't get pregnant without incantations and powerful potions."

"Well...he mentioned that he thought I was dirty." Sirius shrugged looking angry, his hands never leaving Harry's ears. " Maybe Snape-"

"-Maybe I what?" a scowling voice said behind them.

James and Sirius turned to see Snape, looking gaunt and sour, emerge seemingly out of thin air in the kitchen. He was holding a large piece of parchment which was heavily faded in places. Harry was clapping his pudgy hands against Sirius' who had still held them suspended over his godson as James' jaw clenched in obvious dislike.

"Maybe you'll wash your hair someday, but I doubt it." Sirius finished. "We were just talking about your infamous hygienic techniques."

"I assume you would only be wasting time babbling to Potter if you had come up with a solution to the certificate problem." Snape said coloring slightly under their sweeping gaze. Sirius' jaw clenched visibly as he dropped his hands onto the table. " Right," Snape said now dryly, " Typical Gryffindor collaboration, you have no idea, do you?" He added as they glowered at him hatefully. "Tell me, do you expect me to hold your hand through this unpleasant mockery of a marriage in everything?"

"Shut it." James said warningly.

"These are _your_ parents." Snape reminded Sirius. "You know them a hell of a lot better than I. If this backfires, it's not as if we can request a re-do!"

"We're wizards, we can Obliviate them Snape." He replied waspishly. "And what's that you got in your hand? Another one of those perverted muggle male underwear magazines?" he asked.

"Does this look like a magazine you idiot?" Snape hissed two splotches of very bright red rising from his sallow cheeks. " It's a doctored family tree!" he yelled throwing it at them, and Sirius could tell he was eager to get off the subject of the magazines.

As it unrolled on the table, Harry grabbed the corner of it and almost put the parchment in his mouth before James took it from his small grasp. It was a fake family tree all right, but the names were not all together unconvincing. It was apparent Snape had put some thought making it appear authentic, the penmanship alone looked ancient.

"This should do." Sirius said indifferent. He really had done a good job but he was reluctant to let him know so.

"I'm glad to see it lives up to your standards." Snape snorted sarcastically.

"We can call my parents over later today." Sirius announced. "Sorry mate," he said turning to James. "They know who you are so you're going to have to stay out of sight."

"Forcing me to go into hiding in my own house." James sighed shaking his head.

Sirius disappeared and wrote an owl to his parents in what he hoped was a tactful request. He didn't want to know what Snape would say if he could not get them to come. He slipped into the kitchen and started making tea.

"I have a question for you." Snape said cutting in. " Is it a problem that we're going to be a gay couple?"

"I don't think so." Sirius replied cooly.

"So the little inquisition at Hogwarts stems from your own homophobia and isn't shared by your family." Snape huffed. "I should have known."

"Excuse me- pure-blood! Oh wait, you're not-- that's just what you told everyone. Well faking this should be easy for you then!" Sirius shouted causing Harry to start crying and James to frown. "You didn't think twice about prejudices before! And it's not our fault you toted around those weird, gay, dirty magazines!"

"They're not dirty!" Snape roared unable to hide how embarrassed he felt. James had against his will exited the room with a smile to calm Harry down.

"Yeah right," Sirius laughed, smiling cruelly. " We saw there was some rubbing action between the pages. Especially near the long-haired blondes."

"That's a lie!" Snape sneered pulling out his wand. Sirius was armed only with a tea kettle, but he was sure it was a formable enough weapon.

The doorbell rang and Sirius dropped his guard. He hadn't expected them to come so fast, and Snape who looked like he was sharing the same thoughts lowered his wand reluctantly. He exited the room, never quite letting go of his wand or turning his back, and Sirius waited until the figure of his parents walked through the door.

They didn't greet him warmly, but no surprise there. His mother took one long disapproving glare at Snape before settling on the marriage certificate.

"I've never heard of the Snapes." Mrs. Black hissed looking at Tobias' and Eileen's signatures with a scowl.

"They're not popular." Sirius replied shooting Snape a nasty look. " But they're purebloods."

"And you went to school with him?" Mr. Black asked scanning Snape disapprovingly. " Regulas says you two hated each other. He seemed extremely surprised at your engagement."

"He would have, Severus was a Slytherin." Sirius said cooly. " But its our love that's brought us together."

Snape's lip twitched at the very unconvincing display of affection. The Blacks had finally taken interest to the rolled up parchment on the counter.

"What's that?" Mrs. Black asked.

"That's my family tree." Snape replied gliding through the kitchen with ease. "I hope you did bring yours?"

Mrs. Black's eyes narrowed.

"Whatever for?" She asked him.

"Surely you would not grant permission of marriage if I were not of the purest blood." Snape said silkily before handing the tree to her. " You do not expect me merely take your word on a choice as important as this?"

"The Blacks are a very well known pure-blood family." Mr. Black insisted. " I find it hard to believe you wouldn't know that."

"It always pays to be careful." Snape replied with an accusing tone. His display of paranoia was paying off, Mrs. Black had not expected to be challenged, and she was eager to convince Snape of the Black's pure bloodlines.

Sirius could have jumped in triumph at his parent's signing the certificate if he didn't hate the idea of marrying Snape. However, his mother's hand lingered after dipping her quill in ink, looking from Snape to Sirius.

"Sirius, I didn't think you took to men." she said casually.

"What can I say? I'm a late bloomer." Sirius smiled unconvincingly and shrugged earning him a withering glare from Snape that didn't escape her notice.

"And you're truly in love with this man?" She asked her quill dead in her hand.

Sirius' smile faltered and for a moment he looked queazy. He nodded and slowly inched toward Snape who had suddenly gone very stiff. He knew he must convince his mother in these desperate seconds that he held some affection for the skinny, big-nosed, greasy haired man.

" Of course mother. I've never been so in love." He choked out grabbing hold of Snape's hand fondly. He was both relieved and repulsed when Snape didn't shy away. Sirius closed his eyes and pretended with all his imagination that the hand he held was that of a girls. Inwardly he groaned as he realized what must be done.

Snapes lips parted slightly as Sirius landed a long, sucking kiss there. With agitation he could no longer imagine the person he was kissing was a girl; Snape's nose was digging into his cheek, it's hugeness being unique to himself. He was sucking on Snape's thin, bottom lip, and tried not to burn with humiliation as Mrs. Black grunted in satisfaction before signing the certificate or as his father gazed at them, his hand closed around the parchment containing the fake family tree.

Their lips parted not milliseconds after Mrs. Black had finished signing. Sirius could think of nothing but the image of Snape's yellowed, uneven teeth and tried not to gag as his parents stiffly congratulated him on at least doing something right-- marrying a pure-blood. They left, not even asking when the wedding was, and he could only assume with relief it was because they weren't coming.


	4. Megalomania!

Authors Note: Here's the next chapter, you greedy bastards. Ha ha- just kidding.

SsSsSsS

Snape hadn't said anything about the kiss, and Sirius had no desire to tell anyone about it. When James came downstairs after his parent's departure he had asked how things went and Sirius showed him the certificate without giving him any details.

"So they fell for it. That's good." James said relieved.

"Yeah Prongs," Sirius replied annoyed. "I get to marry Snape. Good-y."

Coming home to his new house in Godrics Hollow was depressing. There was no little Harry to play with, no best friend to joke around with, only his creepy fiance who had locked himself away like someone banished from Sirius' presence. Days passed where Snape hadn't come out of the basement at all except to eat or use the toilet. Sirius would have left and lived with James but he knew that being around all the time was a major inconvenience and cut into both Lily and James' privacy.

Sirius had gone to bed early that night, it was cold outside and he could see snow in the windows. In vain he tried to fall asleep, and he forced himself to keep still in his bed, but his mind was going a mile a second. Growling in frustration, he got up and walked downstairs.

From an angle, he could see Snape was in an open side room, sitting near the fireplace, and Sirius was about to walk into the kitchen but he heard Snape talking in a harsh, angry whisper. He stood stock still on the staircase, breathing silently as he strained his ears.

"You promised me-- what the hell have I been preparing for?" Snape hissed into the fire. "Why do you think I came over in the first place?"

"I still think you should wait until your marriage with Black." came a voice that Sirius recognized to be Lucius Malfoy's.

"Wait?" Snape growled, this time his rage seeped into his voice powerfully. "Haven't I been doing enough waiting? Is this some sort of joke for you? You think this is funny?"

"Oh please, the more you do it, the better you'll be." Lucius said in dismissal.

"You don't care, do you?" Snape accused. "There's no way in hell I'm losing my virginity to Black. We've been talking about having sex for a year- you always said you'd do it, and now you're telling me to wait? For what?"

Sirius was caught between a choke and a laugh that he quickly covered by biting the palm of his hand. He didn't want to know what sort of nasty curse Snape would put on him if he caught him professing his virginity. He made note, however, to ridicule and dog him on it as soon as he was safely away.

"It's not a big deal Severus." Lucius soothed. "It's easy, and I'm sure my cousin knows what to do. No one said you had to be passionate lovers."

"You're avoiding any sort of commitment and agreement we've made." Snape growled. "You're toying with me, and I don't appreciate it."

"Aw," Lucius cooed in sympathy, " Please don't be insecure. I like you Severus, even love you. I wouldn't be marrying you if I didn't feel _something_ for you."

"You just won't sleep with me." Snape replied sour.

"The timing isn't right. I can't leave Draco alone with Narcissa all the time, and I have important business to attend to as well." Lucius replied.

"Forget it!" Snape shouted. Sirius heard the sound of metal clanging; it appeared that Snape had thrown his ring. "I'm tired of your shit! I know when I'm not wanted!"

"Severus-" Lucius pleaded. "Calm down."

"No." Snape seethed jumping to his feet. "I'm not going to cling to you like some dog begging for scraps of your attention! I've waited a ludicrously long time, and I'm through with it. If you don't want to fuck me, fine, but don't offer me things you won't deliver!"

Snape was stomping out of the room, and Sirius had to do some quick footing not to be spotted. He made sure that he heard the basement door slam before walking back downstairs. He peeked into the room, saw the fire was Malfoy-free, and snuck downstairs making sure to step lightly. He didn't think Snape would hear him, even if he was just walking around the house, but he didn't want to make noise in case Snape accused him of snooping.

Snape's ring was on the rug behind the couch, and Sirius bent over to retrieve it. It really was a nice ring, and nothing had been dented or scratched from Snape's temper, but the band no longer was spinning. He tried slipping it on his pointer finger, but it got caught tight before reaching the bottom, so he put it on his ring finger. He smiled at the thought of wearing it at breakfast, just to see Snape's face, but a sudden roar near the fireplace interrupted his fantasy.

He had dove behind the couch just in time. Lucius Malfoy stepped out, brushing ash from his majestic bed clothes before cursing the dirty means of transportation. He was barefoot and he curled his toes in the soft carpet before gazing around the near-empty room.

"Severus?" He called into the dark, quiet home. "_Lumos_."

Sirius listened as Lucius wandered around the house, from the kitchen to the hallways, and what he supposed was the bathroom, he even had opened a closet. Sirius was sure he'd never been in the house before, and his reasons for being so quiet was probably not to wake the very person who was spying on him now. Lucius was growing impatient with the hide-and-seek game. He finally heard the sounds of his turning the knob on the basement door, it was obviously locked, and Lucius softly knocked calling Snape.

Sirius was on all fours, trying to keep his legs completely out of view and pressing himself close to the couch. He heard the basement door eventually open, and Snape and Lucius was talking in softer voices that he couldn't hear. Just as he was having thoughts about running upstairs, Snape and Malfoy walked in the room and sat on the couch.

"Your ring is missing." Lucius said. "_Accio ring._"

Sirius' finger lurched before the ring slipped off in a powerful jolt. It had been slightly painful and he bit his palm once more to keep from making a sound.

"There it is." Lucius said gently in a tone that Sirius never had heard before. "Let me put it on for you."

There was a pause, and Sirius fought to keep his breathing as silent as possible. His legs were cramping, and his arms were burning where the rug touched him.

"Are you sure Black is asleep?" Lucius asked. "He won't wake up?"

"He went to bed early." Snape verified. "He sleeps throughout the night and late into the morning. I've never seen him up before 10:00 a.m."

There was another pause, and to Sirius' horror, he heard Snape and Lucius shifting and lying down on. He heard them kissing, and when he heard Snape moan he thought there could be nothing worse than hearing him being intimate with Malfoy, except perhaps, being intimate with him on their wedding night. They were making out for quite a while, much to Sirius' annoyance. Snape was wearing socks, and Lucius' bare feet brushed up against his, his pedicured feet was dangling along with his partners over the arm of the couch. Sirius throat tightened as he watched them rub up against each other, Lucius' toes circling around a pale, boney ankle.

"You wouldn't object to giving me a blow-job, would you?" Snape asked softly. Sirius felt his insides clench alarmingly. "I'll do you too if you wish it."

The couch shifted and he saw Lucius sit up before diving down out of view again. To his utter terror, the slurping noises along with Snape's heavy breathing gave testimony that he was listening in to two men having gay oral sex. Sirius felt his cheeks redden, and debated with himself if he would ever tell James about this or just pretend it never happened. He would have covered his ears, but he was too scared to move for fear of being discovered. The moaning and slurping sound went on for a couple more minutes before he heard a slight pop and Lucius shift again.

"Very satisfactory..." Snape started breathless.

" It's always a pleasure to get positive feedback." Lucius said with a chuckle. "My turn."

He heard repositioning on the couch and Snape's socked feet disappeared to be replaced with Lucius'.. His legs were numb now, and he felt ridiculous frozen behind the couch, barely breathing as his finance was finally losing his virginity.

"You're wearing briefs." Snape said in a pleased voice. "Your attention to detail is duly noted."

"Yes. Although, I must say I think it's odd you have this fetish even after that incident-"

"Let's not talk about that." Snape said in a hollow voice. Sirius couldn't guess if he was referring to the Marauders discovery of the magazines or when they had flipped him over to reveal his dirty underpants.

"Well? Are you going to remove them?" Lucius asked in a bored voice.

He felt the couch shift and Snape was mumbling something in pleasure before the slurping began once more.

"So, you haven't done this before..." Lucius purred. He then did what could be considered a giggle. "You're nose, it keeps on bumping into my pelvis. Oh- don't give me that look- I like it."

Sirius could barely stand it. He was so revolted, he was practically begging the couch would explode or that Snape would find some new found fetish for the kitchen so he could sneak upstairs. He felt dirty for listening in, and even worse as he wondered if he would be switched into Lucius' position in a couple of months.

"Ooo, that's enough." Lucius said reluctantly. "Alright, now, hand me my wand. I need some lubrication."

_"Please let it be over quickly."_ Sirius begged in his head as Lucius taught Snape a lubrication incantation.

"When you slip in, try not to come pre-maturely or you'll embarrass yourself." Lucius said. "And if you're the one who is getting _pounded_ relax and loosen up or it'll hurt."

Snape gasped, something Sirius never wanted to hear again, and the couch began to rock slightly. He could hear them kissing and moaning into each others mouths. The pace was quickening, and after what seemed like a life time, they both made one last loud moan of passion before the creaking of the couch ceased. He heard them breathing deeply, and they shifted once more.

"That was fun. Hand me my underwear please." Lucius said after casting a cleaning spell.

There was a pause.

"Did you want it?" Lucius asked, amusement thick in his voice.

"If you don't mind." Snape replied.

"Keep it, consider it a gift. You're no longer a virgin." Lucius replied. There was another kiss. "I have to get back to the Manor. If you want, we can do this again, but I don't know when I'll have time."

"Thank you Lucius." Snape said gratefully. Sirius had a mental image of him clinging to the briefs with it over his heart.

"You're welcome Severus." He replied with a politeness Sirius didn't think Slytherins possessed. There was one last sound of a kiss before Malfoy announced his destination and the fire roared once more.

Snape looked into the fire for a moment before returning to the basement, leaving Sirius alone at last. He got off the floor, aching in both body and mind, but mostly mentally. Hurrying up the stairs soundlessly, he willed himself not to be sick.

SsSsSsS

Sirius had reluctantly gone downstairs to breakfast the next morning despite his efforts to stay in his room until Snape was out of the house. He hadn't been able to sleep at all, the sounds of his enemies making love rang in his ears until he felt his brain would melt. As soon as he felt exhausted enough to close his eyes, he would remember some obscure detail about the whole session.

Snape was dressed, reading the Daily Prophet while eating what looked like eggs on toast. Sirius, who had put on his slippers and a long pair of pajama pants over his boxers remembering Snape's 'fetish', was not greeted by the Slytherin but could clearly see he was not his usual sulky self. A smirk seemed to have imbedded itself on his face unconsciously, and while one might contribute it to the headline ' FOUR WIZARDS FOUND DEAD WITH HEADS SEVERED ', Sirius was certain it was because of Snape's new and pleasing experience last night. Disgusted, he made himself a bowel of cereal before sitting opposite of Snape.

"Ah, Black." Snape acknowledged sarcastically looking up at the clock. "But it's not quite noon. Are you ill?"

"Only when I have to see your face in the morning." Sirius replied grumpily.

"Likewise." Snape sneered. "Perhaps the situation can be rectified. I do not take well to vomiting before my day has started."

"I was enjoying my grease-free breakfasts. But if leaving cures both of us, perhaps you should make it indefinite." Sirius replied.

"Your offer is tempting, the part about never having to see you again, but I'd prefer to stick your head in the oven and not mine. It would give me a much deeper satisfaction." Snape said lifting the paper so the headline flashed in Sirius' face.

"Perverted fuck." Sirius cursed taking a bite of his cereal.

"Excuse me?" Snape said testily lowering the paper so his glaring stare pierced into Sirius'.

"Perverted. Fuck." Sirius pronounced clearly.

"I am not a pervert." Snape said softly, a malicious edge in his voice.

"Like hell you're not." Sirius goaded, noting the way Snape's knuckles had gone white. "You're a disgusting, dirty fucker who wanks it to pictures of men in their underwear while not changing your own. Gross. Revolting. Perverted. Fuck."

Snape dropped the paper and grabbed Sirius around the lapels in a swift, raging moment. The cereal had toppled over into his lap, and he cursed as he was face to face with Snape.

"Say that again Black." He spat. "Go on, amuse yourself. Give me a reason."

Sirius started laughing, and before he could respond, his felt himself himself falling, became dizzy, and quite literally saw stars. Snape had punched him very hard in the right eye with much more strength then Sirius thought his skinny frame could muster. He sat up, his hand covering his throbbing socket, and saw Snape go from angry to worried. It was quite simple to see that Sirius was built more for fighting than his fiance. He followed Snape's line of vision and saw his wand was on the counter, six steps away.

He hopped to his feet with lightening reflexes as Snape, in that short second of time, stretched his lithe arm in a feeble attempt to grasp the wand. But Sirius was faster, and made a strong right punch to his head. Snape slammed against the counter, clutching his eye, which gave Sirius more time to wale on him. Snape seemed to crumple to the ground as Sirius punched him in the face, chest, and even arms as he covered his head to protect himself.

"Stop!" Snape pleaded. "You fucking psycho-Stop it!"

But Sirius couldn't stop, despite knowing he was being ruthlessly vicious for just a black eye. All of his frustrations were surfacing into one long beat-down as he thought of waking up every morning to see Snape waiting to bitch at him for the rest of his life.

"Please--" Snape was begging with a note of urgency as Sirius kicked him. He heard him cough and saw blood dribbling down Snape's mouth.

It was the blood that sobered him. He backed away and sat into the chair, watching how Snape trembled before lowering his hands away from his face.

"What the fuck?" Snape coughed in a fury. "Black- you won't get away with this!"

Sirius' own eye was starting to sting, and closed it to give it some sort of relief. He would refuse to apologize. After all, Snape had done much worse to him in the past and undoubtedly deserved any physical punishment.

"Touch that wand and I'll rip your arms out of your sockets." Sirius threatened as Snape shakily got to his feet. Blood had ran down his face, stained his robes and the tiled floor. He swayed slightly, and Sirius was shocked to see him rush out of the kitchen and run to the basement. He heard the door slam and lock behind him, and there was footsteps slowly thumping away.

Sirius sighed deeply and made his way up to his room. He changed his clothes and inspected his eye in the mirror. It was still sore and the eyelid hung lower, but it hadn't turned any colors yet, but he was sure he would have a black eye at the end of the day. Feelings of satisfaction coursed through him as he wondered how Snape would look standing next to him with his own bruises and black eye to match. He had beaten the shit out of him in a few short seconds, and it had been by far the best feeling he had felt all week.

The doorbell rang in a loud buzz, it was the first time he had heard it. He made his way downstairs and peaked in the little hole to see Remus Lupin waiting patiently, a plate full of baked treats in his hand.

"Moony!" Sirius breathed in relief opening the door.

Remus stood in his ragged, patched up clothes and nodded politely. His smile faltered and he raised an eyebrow as his gaze swept over Sirius and landed on his eye. He looked suspicious of his carefree disposition, and cautiously he walked inside the house while looking for anything disturbed or out of place.

"Is everything alright?" He asked as Sirius grabbed the plate from his hand and ushered him into the kitchen. "Padfoot, there's blood on the floor."

"It's nothing." Sirius insisted removing the clear plastic wrap from the plate before biting into a chocolate chip cookie.

"Where's Severus?" Remus asked. "Is that his blood or yours?"

"He's in the basement." Sirius said annoyed. "Forget about him."

"What happened?"

"Dammit Moony!" Sirius sighed dropping the cookie. "We got in a fight. Satisfied?"

"Is he okay?" Remus asked.

"I don't know- he ran out-"

"He ran?"

"Who the fuck cares!? He's an asshole-- and he was being an asshole!" Sirius shouted. "So I slapped him around a little- big deal! Did you come to see Snape or me!?"

"'Slapped him around?' Sirius, you can't do that!" Remus said looking upset. "This isn't Hogwarts, you can't beat him because he upsets you. You can get into serious trouble."

"He hit me! I was defending myself!" Sirius said pointing to his eye. "Is this why you came? To check up on _Snivellus_?"

"I came to check up on you." Remus said softly. "But now I guess I know better."

"Shut up!" Sirius growled, "Just shut up! You all pretend like this is easy! You think Snape has it _so_ bad- well what about me? _I _have to marry him. _I _have to put up with his stupid, sarcastic bullshit. _I'm _the one that has to come home and expect him to be there with a sneer on his face. And eventually, I'll be the one who has to take him into my bed and--!"

"Sirius," Remus cut in putting a hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I know this isn't easy. We've all noticed how stressed you've been, we want to help." Sirius relaxed slightly under his touch, and breathed deeply. "But I still think it was wrong for you to hit Severus. Fighting with him isn't going to make this any easier, and you're going to be miserable if you can't get some peace in your own home."

"You're right." Sirius huffed looking at the plate of cookies in defeat. "I'm sorry Remus, I know you care. But you just don't understand how damn annoying Snape can be. He just gets under my skin, the slimly bastard."

Remus removed his hand from him, grabbed a brownie, and nibbled on it thoughtfully.

"I know what you're going to suggest." Sirius said realizing for the first time how depressed he was. "You want me to say sorry."

"You should."

"It doesn't matter. Snape won't forgive me." Sirius replied.

"It matters. Your apologizing makes you the bigger man." Remus said. "Look at us, eating this stuff for breakfast."

"Moony..."

"Yes?"

"Can I tell you something?" Sirius asked looking away from his face momentarily. Truthfully, he would tell James anything and everything, but he felt all-in-all Remus would be the most understanding. He wanted to profess his disgust and worries about what he had overheard last night. He was anxious and scared that he would be confronted with having sex with Snape, he could barely stomach _hearing_ him fornicate.

"Certainly." Remus said leaning in and giving Sirius his undivided attention.

"Last night I..." Sirius started. But he didn't quite know how to explain himself. Remus was waiting quietly, patiently, his hands folded and looking him full into his face. "Um...have you ever watched porn?"

Remus blinked a couple of times, and said quietly, "Uh...well... yes."

"Last night I couldn't sleep." Sirius said shifting uncomfortably. "I heard Snape downstairs, he was fighting with Lucius Malfoy because he promised him they'd have sex and he was backing out. Malfoy, he came over looking for Snape and I guess he changed his mind because... I couldn't help myself, I snuck downstairs- and without really meaning to, I heard them having sex on the couch."

Remus hadn't interrupted him, and showed no signs until Sirius had fallen completely silent. He took a deep breath and asked,

"Is that what you were fighting about?"

"What? No- no- he hasn't any idea, thank Merlin." Sirius said.

"Forgive me...but I must not understand. What's the problem?" Remus asked.

"Well, when you watch porn...you don't really care. Because it's hot..." Sirius replied. "But I can't stomach the disgusting bastard. Merlin, we thought he was revolting in school, you have no idea. I won't be able to go through it Remus. I'm going to try to touch him, and I'm not going to be able to. I'm going to go to Azkaban."

Remus absorbed Sirius' disturbed features, his misery, and his upset. He grabbed a cookie and started breaking it apart before answering.

"In my experience it never pays to worry about things that haven't happened yet." He said sagely. "However, it might be a good idea to apologize for hurting Severus, if only just to make things a little easier."

"Alright." Sirius sighed. "If it makes you happy."

At this Remus looked down and went slightly pink. Sirius got up from the table, grabbed Snape's wand, and with Remus behind him he walked over to the basement door and knocked loudly. There wasn't any answer or indication that Snape had heard him. He knocked again.

"Come up, I"m not going to hit you." Sirius said. There was still no sign of Snape stirring. "I've got your wand! Er, I'm not going to use it against you, I'm going to give it to you." He added thoughtfully.

He heard steps come up slowly and stop. The door was still locked but he knew that Snape was waiting on the other side, listening.

"I just want to apologize." Sirius said looking back at Remus. "I shouldn't have lost my temper, even if you were being an ass."

"You swear that you're not going to curse me, and that you're going to give me my wand?" Snape asked through the door.

"Sure."

"Swear it!" Snape shouted.

"Yes, I swear." Sirius said turning to Remus and rolling his eyes.

"I don't believe you!"

"Alright fine. Guess I got a new wand." Sirius said laughing.

They heard Snape unlocking the door and he opened it just a sliver so that his face could barely be seen in the low light.

"Give it to me." Snape ordered sticking out his hand.

"Come up and get it." Sirius said opening the door farther. Snape stepped back defensively as Remus' eyebrows shot up.

He had a fat lip, both his eyes were starting to turn black and blue, his nose was red and he was getting a bruise around his jaw.

"Sirius!" Remus scolded absolutely appalled. Snape shrank back irritated that he had spotted him in his weakness. " You beat-"

"-the shit out of me, yes." Snape finished angrily. "My wand if you please." he sneered.

"I'm sorry." Sirius said more to Remus than he did to Snape.

"Stop babbling your inane apologies- give me my wand!" Snape snapped. He held out his hand and there was an ugly bruise starting to form on his forearm.

"Wait..._you're_ going to curse me." Sirius said pulling it to himself like a small child.

"You son of a bitch!" Snape growled stepping up one more stair so they were face to face.

"You should get something for those bruises." Remus said to Snape seriously.

"Stay out of what doesn't concern you, _werewolf_!" He snarled. Remus frowned and Sirius stepped swiftly in front of Snape, throwing the wand behind him blindly.

"Don't talk to him like that." Sirius said in a furious whisper. "You don't have a wand and I can just as easily break your face."

"Break my face?" Snape said softly. "Yes Black, good idea, that will solve everything, won't it? I wonder how many faces you can break before landing in Azkaban after the Ministry gets wind that you've been trying to knock-off the very person they've matched you up with. It would certainly make one of our lives easier, wouldn't it? It'll be terribly difficult for me to go on without you, but I think I'll manage."

"Playing the victim Snape? Who would believe it?" Sirius scowled.

"Sirius- don't, it's okay." Remus pleaded softly.

"Well now, I think I understand." Snape said smirking, his nose almost touching Sirius'. "Your half-hearted attempt at making amends fall to the height of a your little mangy werewolf friend. So he holds the leash in your 'friendship', does he?"

"Shut your stupid mouth."

"Dangerous little pests, aren't they? Werewolf attacks aren't all together unheard of in this area." Snape asked with a light chuckle. " Let's say I were to show up a little battered on the Ministry doorstep..."

"Sirius-- NO!"

Snape was pawing the sides of the wall and the air to get a grip on something, but he tumbled ungracefully down the stairs, grunting in pain before the thumps of his body bumped against the steps loudly like an african drum. His spectators stood like statues as a puddle of blood, looking more black than red in the dim light, started to form from under Snape's head.

"FUCK!" Sirius shouted in a panicked gasp. "Shit- dammit-- I didn't mean to--"

Remus pushed Sirius out of the way and was flying down the stairs swiftly.

"His head is bleeding." Remus announced.

"Is he dead?" Sirius asked reluctantly.

"I don't know! Don't just stand there-- call a healer!"

"No- we can't!" Sirius bellowed. "I could get in trouble- you said so yourself!"

"You can't just leave him like this!" Remus said his hands shaking. "Call a healer!"

"We'll call James!" Sirius shouted. "James has fixed head wounds before!"

"He fell from a flight of stairs-- not a broomstick!" Remus shouted checking for a pulse. "And he's not dead!"

"Dammit." Sirius sighed putting his hands over his eyes. "Fuck. Okay... we'll call a healer-- but don't answer any questions!"

"Just do it!"

Sirius picked up Snape's wand he had thrown and ran outside. He stuck it into the air, sparks flying, and swung it in the shape of a cross. It was one of the safety drills parents and teachers had gone over with their children, a sort of 911 call for wizards. Images of ridiculous mascots waving wands and telling little ones it was only for emergencies flashed in Sirius' head and he thought of Snape laying at the end of a long stairwell bleeding from the head, looking pale and still. Like the nightbus, there was always a team of medical witches and wizards on duty, ready to take anyone to the nearest wizarding hospital.

An ambulance spun out of what looked like thin air and the sounds of sirens pierced through the clear, bright morning. A rutty looking man with a big mustache stepped out quickly, his team behind him also respectively jumping out, their wands raised scanning the area.

"He's inside-" Sirius said. "He fell down the stairs, he's bleeding, and he's not moving."

"Did you move him?" The mustached man asked as his team rushed inside the house.

"No, I don't think so. My friend is downstairs with him."

Sirius was now aware that neighbors were starting to part their window curtains and stare at the ambulance that read, "Saint Mungo's" along with the number 465 painted in electric purple. An old man was standing out on his snowy lawn, watching Sirius with wonder. He tucked Snape's wand away quickly and marched up to the house feeling that if he stayed outside much longer people would gather and start to ask him questions.

Snape was now in the hallway on a conjured stretcher, his head wrapped what looked like a turban of bandages, so his nose stuck out comically.

"Coming through!" a witch said shoving Sirius out of the way none to gently.

"What's wrong with him?" Sirius asked to the group who was moving him outside.

"You come with me." The mustached man said taking Sirius to the kitchen. Remus was already there, sitting, a cup of tea in his hand.

"Is he okay?" Sirius asked.

"Concussion, cracked skull, broken ribs, numerous contusions and what looks like it could be a broken wrist." The medical wizard said. "All what could be explained by a nasty fall. However, two black eyes are hard to come by when falling down a flight of stairs. I'm sure you would know that Mr. Black, you got one yourself."

Sirius dared to look at Remus who was taking one long sip of tea, his eyes focused on the table cloth.

"You've got blood on the floor." The medical wizard pressed at the uncomfortable silence.

"Nose bleed." Sirius insisted. "I get them every winter. The air is so dry..."

"Mr. Black, I'm sending someone from the Ministry to help clarify the details of this accident. It's my job to report incidents such as these." He said stiffly.

"And exactly what sort of 'incident' is this? He was stupid, he fell!" Sirius snarled. "Surely you don't drag the ministry into people's houses every time a wizard slips in his bathtub!"

Remus coughed into his hand, apparently he had drank his tea the wrong way, and was now in a fit, his face turning red.

"Just explain it to the ministry and you'll both be fine." The medical wizard reassured. "Have a good day Mr. Black" he nodded to him, his mouth open in anger, "Mr. Lupin." He added not looking at the werewolf before leaving the kitchen. They heard the sirens boot up again, and there was a loud crack, leaving only behind the sound of startled neighbors whispering to each other.

"This is all my fault." Lupin moaned miserably, his teacup swaying ominously. "I shouldn't have told you to apologize. I should have known he'd still be angry..."

"He's always angry." Sirius said coldly staring out the window. He was sure a good few of them were wizards and witches. "Don't be your crazy self and start blaming yourself for _his _stupidity. You saw him, he was practically asking for it."

A dark, handsome owl had flown into the opened kitchen window, two letters clasped to it's leg. Sirius untied it, teeth gnashing as he saw it was from the ministry. He saw one was addressed to him, the other to Remus.

"I can't read this rubbish!" He snarled shoving the letters to Remus. " You read it- please! Everytime I get one of those, it's bad news."

Remus picked up his letter, opened it, and paled.

"It says we're to go to Saint Mungo's at 5:00 pm and meet a ministry official there. They want to discuss Severus' injuries." Remus said. "They advise us to bring a lawyer."


	5. Revenge Is Best Served Cold

Authors Note: ART! In my spare time, I decided to do some art for this fic. It's the scene where Remus walks in with his plate full of goodies, and Sirius is in a bad mood.

The link is

http://i233 .photobucket .com/albums/ee31/Pavlock18/Badmood. jpg

(Without the spaces of course. If you can't figure it out, you don't deserve to see the art as far as I'm concerned.) I don't really give a shit if you show your friends or copy it to your computer, alter it, or even jerk off to it. Just as long as I get the credit. If you guys like my art, I might even do another one.

SsSsSsS

Sirius had redressed himself into something nice, but not too dressy.

"You don't want to look like you're celebrating Snape's concussion, just look respectable." James had told him. He laughed and asked James if he could ever appear respectable.

They had walked around onto the Ground floor, despite Snape hadn't really been injured by an artifact. James held up his hand before they entered the room, motioning for them to be quiet.

"No sir, I don't know why Black attacked me. I think he was defending his werewolf friend..." they heard Snape say silkily. "That's right. Mr. Lupin. ... no sir, I've been attacked by this creature before. He's rather savage...should be exterminated in my opinion. For the safety of myself and others of course. Who knows how many victims-"

The room they stepped into was a private room with a bed and four sitting chairs. Snape was sitting on the bed fully clothed, looking slightly woozy and swaying a little to left, but otherwise healed, malicious and disgusted. A tall, balding wizard was sitting in a chair with a notebook in hand and a manual in the other.

"Good day." He greeted, and they all greeted him back.

Snape's lip curled when he saw James enter the room. He flashed him a look of hatred before James nodded his head politely to the Ministry official.

" I'm Qubertus Wignottle." The man said seriously.

"James Potter." He said shaking the man's hand briefly.

"You're here to represent Mr. Lupin or Mr. Black?"

"Both, I suppose." James replied sitting into a seat. Snape scoffed audibly, and Sirius' jaw clenched tightly.

"What legal office are you from?"

"None. I'm just here to support both my friends. They're both very good men, and I'm positive they wouldn't hurt Mr. Snape." James said cooly. "No matter how tempted." He added shooting Snape a nasty glare. Snape's sneer deepened.

"Of course. Although Potter wasn't there, he has unlimited skills, including superb legal advice as well as omnipotence." Snape scowled. "I didn't end up in Saint Mungo's from '_slipping in my bathtub_.'"

"We know, you'd never be caught dead in one." Sirius huffed. Wignottle, who had probably taken notice of Snape's dirty hair, seemed to be fighting to keep a smile from his face. This was only for a second though before he turned to them all looking very serious.

" I'm afraid everything doesn't quite check out Mr. Black, Mr. Lupin." He said smoothing out his robes. "Mr. Snape has given me his side of the story, but before I ask questions, I'd like to hear what you have to say Mr. Black."

Sirius looked at James, who nodded, and he drew a long breath.

"Alright. I won't deny it. Severus Snape and I got into an argument this morning."

Snape's sneer disappeared and he was smirking slightly, leaning towards the left like a chair with an uneven leg.

"Over what?" Wignottle asked looking down in his notebook.

"His cocaine habit." Sirius said cooly.

Snape's smirk faded like he had been punched in the face again.

"His nose was bleeding on the kitchen floor. That's how I knew. He denied it, and I told him he needed help." Sirius continued looking solemn. " The coke made him aggressive, and he punched me in the eye. I was so shocked, I reached out for him and he skidded to the floor. He was flaying his fists around-- I tried to pin him down, but he was moving around too much. I'm afraid I was a little rough with him, but not nearly as rough as he was on himself."

"What!?" Snape bellowed. Wignottle was now paying close attention to Snape and the way he swayed.

"I called Remus over to help me, Snape had locked himself downstairs, destroying empty bottles. I was frightened he would hurt himself, and eventually we managed to cox him into coming upstairs to get his wand." Sirius said ignoring Snape's outburst. "He was stark mad- claiming that Remus was trying to attack him, and I realized that he thought Mr. Lupin was in his wolf form...Remus tried to calm him down, and in a desperate attempt to dodge his assuring hands, Snape slipped and fell down the stairs."

Snape's mouth was open, the shock and rage mixed in with whatever drug they had given him was making his mental process slow.

Sirius sighed deeply. "I hoped to avoid all this embarrassment. He's been so good with the rehab and everything. It was just a moment of weakness." He looked at Snape, whose eyes were darting from James, Remus, and Wignottle. "I forgive you Severus. I understand why you did it. I know you're ashamed, but you've been clean, and I know you'll stay clean once you get proper care."

Snape looked beside himself as he swayed dangerously before clutching his head in pain.

"You had better give me the bottle of whatever painkillers he's on." Sirius whispered to the stunned Ministry official. "Temptation, you understand."

"You don't believe that rot-- do you!?" Snape shrieked sounding much like Sirius a half hour ago. "I've never taken cocaine in my life! I don't even know where to get it! This is totally unfounded, and most defiantly stupid! Only Black would come up with a story like that!"

Sirius sighed loudly before putting his hand over his eyes. Remus patted his shoulder gently before handing him his handkerchief. Wignottle tutted Snape loudly before standing and shoving the notebook under his elbow.

"Your manner is very unbefitting to a gentleman Mr. Snape. The only advice the Ministry offers you is that you get your act together. Good day." Wignottle said before leaving.

Snape was gripping the end of the bed, looked like he was waiting to wake up from a very bad dream. He lost balance and was now leaning with his elbow on the bed, and he was staring at James who was smiling back. However, Sirius was looking far from pleased as he walked slowly up to Snape, looming over him.

"Trying to get Remus killed are you?" He whispered. "That's sick, even for you Snape."

"You- got away with this-" Snape was mumbling. " I can't believe he believed you- he didn't even question the validity- so improbable-"

"Do you own a mirror? Scratch that, I know you don't. Let me give you a hint- no body likes you. You look like a lunatic, especially when you're screaming. We were counting on that." Sirius growled. He then turned to James and Remus. "Come on, let's go. I have no desire to share the same oxygen with this slime-ball."

SsSsSsS

Sirius had been handed a bottle full of Snape's pain medication before he left Saint Mungo's. James laughed heartily as Sirius opened it and poured it all over the ground before apparating. He had a feeling that Remus would have tried to stop him or talk him out of it, if Snape hadn't been trying to set up a personal execution of the werewolf minutes earlier. To their delight, he was scheduled to be released later after a mandatory lecture on drug use and the damages to the human body.

James helped Sirius clean up the house (except the basement) as Remus made dinner. They were playing poker, celebrating their near brush with the law as the front door opened and Snape staggered in, literally.

He was rubbing his temples in what looked like a vain attempt to alleviate the pain in his skull. He walked into the kitchen, his eye's half-closed and he stood in front of Sirius with a grimace. James had his hand on his wand, even though Snape was unarmed and his wand was laying on his iron framed bed downstairs he could be dangerous. Snape held out his long fingered hand and said coldly,

"I believe you have my medication."

"Oh. Right." Sirius said nonchalantly turning away from him as he dealt the cards.

"...Well?" Snape sneered starting to tremble.

"I lost it." Sirius said in a bored tone. "Sorry." He added not looking sorry at all. " Hey mate, you let me deal you eight cards-- don't cheat, it's not as fun when you cheat." he scolded James.

"Lost it?" Snape repeated, his hand curling into a fist.

"Is there an echo in here?" James asked Remus looking innocent.

Snape grabbed the pile of cards out of Sirius' hand and flung them into the air.

"You'll pay for this Black!" Snape shouted. The sound of his voice must have caused him great agony, because his eyes watered.

James, Sirius, and Remus, on very rare occasions, had witnessed Snape freak out completely to the point where he would shout, scream, attack, and rave to the point spit would fly out of his mouth. But they had never actually _seen_ him cry, despite his nickname being 'Snivellus'. Snape was shaking terribly now, his face turning the color of sour milk. He then stumbled into the hallway before slowly making his way downstairs.

They didn't hear from him again that night.

SsSsSsS

Sirius got up that morning, thankful the house didn't smell like ass. He got dressed, brushed his teeth and sighed with relief when Snape was no where to be found. James had asked him and Remus to babysit Harry that morning and he was in a hurry to see the little boy. However, baby-sitting was the last thing he thought as he opened the front door.

His jaw dropped.

He felt oddly sick.

His motorcycle, his precious bike, was scattered all over his front yard. No, not just his-- his neighbors as well. It was all over the fucking neighborhood.

"No!" Sirius shouted as he caught sight of his handlebars suspended in a nearby tree. "NO!" he howled again watching as a teenager picked up his muffler off someone's lawn and throw it into a heap of snow. "NOOO!" he screamed as a group of children used his seat to slide down an icy driveway.

"Isn't that unfortunate..." Snape said silkily stepping out on their yard. Sirius turned to him mute with horror. " Now, who would take the time to break into the garage and dismantle that scrap heap? What a strange bout of bad karma."

"You-" Sirius raged clenching his fists.

"I'm guessing," Snape said interrupting and stroking his chin, " that even if you spent an animate amount of time looking for _all_ the parts, you wouldn't be able to put it together _quite_ the way it was. Oh look, there's your seat. Well, the children seem to be putting it to good use. Isn't that the damnedest thing?"

"You did this!" Sirius accused ready to throttle Snape's smirking face.

"Me?" Snape said in mock surprise as he raised his eyebrows. "Surely not. I'm just the _lowly coke addict_." He snapped suddenly looking enraged.

"You fucking asshole!" Sirius growled taking a threatening step towards him. "You can make a goddamn potion for you stupid headache!"

"Language Black, there are children close-by." Snape sneered standing his ground. "Consider it payment for nearly shattering my skull."

"And this was your payback? Doing the same to my bike!?" Sirius roared sweeping a hand over the yard. A wheel was half buried in what looked like dirty slush and ice near the bushes. There was a slight thump as snow and pieces of the bike frame fell from the roof onto the ground.

"Be glad I didn't decide to slip you a potion as equally painful as a concussion in your sleep!" Snape hissed taking Sirius' headlight out of his robe pocket and dropping it in front of his face.

The sound of a cough caused Sirius' attention to shift towards a nervous looking woman who had appeared in front of them seemingly out of the cold air. She was a young woman in pink robes and had long blonde hair that was tied back in a pony tale. She carried a large briefcase that was also the same nauseating colour of pink.

"Mr. Black? Mr. Snape?" She asked hesitantly. "I'm Jennifer Rook, your wedding planner. I was sent here by the Ministry."

Snape's lip curled as she shook Sirius' hand and in turn offered it to him. She shifted awkwardly as the friendly gesture was ignored.

"Is this a bad time?" She asked looking at Sirius' flushed face and Snape's disgust.

"Look what he did to my bike!" Sirius burst out waving his arms alarmingly.

"Um--" she stammered turning her eyes attention towards Snape. "I did think it was odd lawn ornaments..."

"Who gives a damn about his bike?" Snape growled stepping in front of Sirius. " I have sustained more injuries in the past two weeks than I have in all my years-"

"Wow I-" she said.

"He stinks up the bloody house with his potions-" Sirius accused pushing Snape roughly out of his way.

"He told the doctors I was a drug addict-" Snape sneered as he shoved back.

"He's marrying another man-"

"Him and his stupid friends are stalking me-"

"And he had the nerve to deny being gay-"

"STOP!" Jennifer shouted desperately scared that they might become more physical trying to get her attention. "I- I can't do anything about your problems-- I'm just here for the wedding."

"Do you plan funerals as well?" Snape asked, his sharp elbow digging into Sirius' side.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean!?" Sirius shouted, pushing his weight back. Snape, not surprisingly, fell into the snow and looked to be making a snowball with a few of nuts and bolts packed into it.

"PLEASE!" she screamed again rushing in front of Sirius blocking him from Snape. "I-I think we would go inside."

Reluctantly Snape dropped his weapon, got up and brushed off his robes. They had no other choice but follow her into their own house. She sat down at the kitchen table and cleared her throat before motioning them to join her. Sirius lowered himself into his chair slowly as he glared at Snape, never taking his eyes off of him. Once they were seated Jennifer opened her suitcase and pulled out a book on cakes, flowers, and other wedding related subjects.

"Let me ask you something," Sirius said leaning on his elbow and turning to her. "Do you think, if we weren't forced to marry, we would make a good couple?"

Jennifer shifted uncomfortably, trying to avoid the empty, black eyes of Snape that was drilling into her and the falsely secure smirk on Sirius' face. She looked down at her planning book and shrugged.

"You're both really different...but sometimes that's what makes a couple compatible." She mumbled.

"Yeah." Sirius said leaning back in his chair again with a sarcastic smile. "that makes sense why you matched me up with an ugly grease-ball."

"That would explain why they matched me with a man who has the mental capabilities of a flobber worm." Snape added coldly as he crossed his fingers together.

"What two colours do you want to accent your wedding?" Jennifer asked changing the subject and pulling out a swatch book.

"Let's see, Lupin is coming, so I think silver would suit my desires best." Snape scowled.

"You know what the guest list is? Zero, just like the amount of people who will find Snivellus' body if he doesn't shut the hell up." Sirius said pleasantly.

"I really do need a serious answer-" Jennifer snipped.

"Well the answer's 'I don't' if the appeal goes through." Snape interrupted. "Although this marriage is a joke, so I don't know why you'd be looking for a serious-"

"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU AND PICK TWO OF YOUR FAVORITE COLOURS FROM THIS SWATCH!" Jennifer shouted banging her fists on the book.

"FINE." Sirius yelled back with just as much intensity. She watched incredulously as he covered his eyes with his left hand and pointed in two directions with his right. "Those two."

"Very good Black, a plaid tablecloth and a paper-towel holder. We can finally marry without shame." Snape said dryly.

"Can I make a suggestion?" Jennifer snapped shutting the book with a loud snap. "White and pale blue."

"I want green and silver." Snape decided.

"We're not getting married in Slytherin House colours, you fucking loser. Save it for your Malfoy-wedding." Sirius laughed. "Red and gold." he said quickly.

"Alright." Jennifer scowled gritting her teeth. "Now that we've got your two colors-- red and silver, where do you want this wedding to take place?"

"I don't care, just as long as we serve alcohol at the reception." Snape replied softly his eyes glittering at Sirius' from across the table. "Lots of it."

"Enough!" Jennifer screamed getting up from her seat. "I know you both don't want to get married-- I get it. But the Ministry cannot do anything for you! So will you just stop pretending to be at each others throats and get over it!?"

"Pretend?" Sirius stammered. "_Pretend_? He wrecked my motorcycle and spread the pieces over a couple of blocks! As soon as you leave- his ass is going to go through another substance abuse episode!"

"Lucius Malfoy was very displeased with the state you left me in." Snape said his sneer more pronounced. " He is a very uncomfortable enemy to have."

"So you're going to sic your fiance on me? Oooo, I'm shivering in fright!"

"He can be just as dangerous as your pet werewolf I'm sure!"

Jennifer noisily grabbed her books and threw them in her suitcase. Sirius tore his eyes away from Snape's twisted snarl and watched as she marched past them out of the kitchen, her pink suitcase swinging passionately in her tight fist.

"Where are you going!?" Sirius hollered at her before abandoning his seat. "Come back!"

He heard the door slam hard enough to rattle the hinges, and was sure that Jennifer was not returning now or later.

"Damn it Snape. Look what you did!" Sirius said crossly. "Great, just wonderful. Now _we_ have to plan the wedding."

"_You_ can plan it!" Snape shouted abruptly breaking through his calm exterior. He seemed to glide up to Sirius with alarming speed and he dug one, long finger into Sirius' chest before whispering waspishly, " I don't give a flying fuck what that hag and the damned Ministry thinks- if you really believe it makes a difference if we get married in a cave, a cathedral, or a coffin you're more daft than you appear. We both know it'll be the most humiliating and degrading day of our natural lives, so excuse me if I'm not bitching about not being able to pick out flowers from a book!"

It was the most odd sensation Sirius felt. While everyone around him encouraged, even sympathized, the arranged marriage, there was one person who knew his exact frustrations and he was standing right in front of him with narrowed eyes and quivering nostrils. He had been told off with words he found himself whole-heartingly agreeing with, and he felt a sudden lift in his chest. It was an amazing discovery that him and Snape had finally found something in common on an emotional level.

"Oh thank Merlin you said it. I thought no one would understand." Sirius said.

Without even realizing it, he exhaled deeply and did something he never thought he'd do in a million years. He tried to touch Snape. Lifting his arms and walking towards the thin man, Snape flinched and took an uncomfortable step backward. Sirius dropped his arms stiffly to his sides, and he felt a pressing sense of embarrassment, self anger, and vulnerability as he felt the waves of fury radiating off of his partner; It appeared to upset Snape faster than any amount of words could have done. They stood there, blinking with each other, each waiting for the next sign of motion or conversation.

"What was that?" Snape snarled breaking the silence. Sirius had asked the same question in his mind only milliseconds before. "Is this some sort of trick? It's not funny!"

"No- I know-- It's not-" Sirius insisted feeling just as horrified at his own behavior. "I have to go!" Sirius yelped.

"What?" Snape snarled. "

"Don't follow me Snivellus!" Sirius growled as he half-trotted out the room. He grabbed his coat and stalked out the door like their wedding planner had done. "What the fuck, what the fuck was that?"

He shoved his hands in his pockets, reviewing where he had gone wrong. How the hell could he have gone from one extreme to the other-- Snape had dismantled his beloved motorcycle for christsakes. He concluded it was the pressure of the moment, that he was tricked into it, weak during a moment of sympathy. He still felt revolted at the thought of marrying Snape, living with him, and most of all, touching him. So it was decided, that he had simply lost focus.

SsSsSsS

Authors Note: I've been planning that next chapter be Christmas related. It just seems like it would liven the fic up, and I already got a couple of good ideas. Once more, thanks to everyone who reviewed.


	6. Happy Holidays

Sirius had gone to bed thinking how much last minute shopping he would have to do the next morning on Christmas Eve. It was tradition for him to skip the worries of other shoppers that slaved to find things for their loved ones all month, he packed his shopping into three chaotic days. If he had been a wiser man, he would have known perhaps a week in advance that the biggest blizzard Godric's Hallow had ever witnessed struck that very night as he snoozed.

That morning Sirius got up at his usual time and made his way down to the breakfast table. He was met with a nasty shock, something he had never seen before in all his life-- Snape was leaning against the counter in his bed clothes, a long grey night shirt, and he was reading yesterday's Daily Prophet.

"Gross- put some pants on." Sirius scowled grabbing himself a bowl and some cereal.

"Why?" Snape replied testily.

"What do you mean 'why'?" Sirius replied. "Aren't you usually dressed at this hour?"

"I'm not going anywhere." Snape said finally putting down the paper and turning his attentions to Sirius.

"What does that have to do with-"

"I'm going to break this to you slowly because it's _painfully_ clear you have no idea what's going on in the world around you. I don't know, maybe the weather is something that only us common folk bother with. Here's a little hint: why do you not hear any street traffic?"

Sirius' heart leapt as he rushed to the kitchen window and peered out the cold pane. It was a sea of white, and more snow was raining down in a fury until it hit about mid-waist level. Trees were the only thing recognizable.

"We're snowed in!?" Sirius shouted, the window fogging up so he could no longer see the outdoors.

"Congratulations Black." Snape replied sarcastically clearly enjoying Sirius' panic. "You are officially the last person in a three hundred mile radius to discover the blizzard every weatherman has been talking about for the past week. I almost feel like you should get some sort of reward- or punishment."

"I can't be snowed in- I have to shop! This is my last day!" Sirius shouted.

"I suppose you're just going to have to face the embarrassment of your friends realizing what a insensitive dunderhead you are." Snape said smirking.

"Shut up! Hey-- I can floo- the network can't be down!" Sirius reasoned biting on the nail of his index finger.

"True. But only a few stores are open." Snape scowled, angry that Sirius discovered a way around. "No muggle shop would be open."

"Well I only need to pick up a couple more things for Harry and James, oh and something nice for-"

"Excuse me," Snape sneered interrupting him, "we must be entering one of your alternate realities where I stand here and give a damn about you delivering your absurd Christmas monologue."

"Bastard. I hope Santa comes so I can beat you with your sock full of coal." Sirius scowled.

"What?" Snape sneered crossly.

"Oh please, you're a half-blood, I know you know who Santa Claus is." Sirius replied rolling his eyes as he ate some fruit loops. "Don't even pretend like you don't. That would be unconvincingly tiresome."

"I know who Santa Claus is you idiot!" Snape shouted sitting down at the table. "Anyone who threatens to beat me with an imaginary sock full of coal given to me by an fictional being, deserves the chance to deny such an idiotic statement. And don't get all weepy-eyed because I ruined the mystery-- Santa isn't real, just so you know."

"Wow, I just knew you would say something cliche like that." Sirius laughed pausing between mid bite. "And then flip me off." He added as Snape flipped him the bird from across the table. "You're such a prick, I'll be glad when tonight passes and Malfoy takes you off my hands."

Snape's scowl deepened and he looked away from Sirius for an instant. He crossed his arms and stared at the table cloth pattern, one sallow finger beginning to trace the design of a snowman. In all honesty, Sirius bought it because Remus and him were in such a hurry to furnish the house and it was around, but he had to admit it had a certain charm to it. However, these charms seemed to avoid Snape, as he was looking very angry, more then his typical 'Snape anger' that Sirius was so used to seeing.

"What?" Sirius asked point blank noticing the shift in mood.

"Nothing." Snape sneered keeping his head down so his hair would fall over his face.

"Oh my God. You're not going to the Malfoy's, are you?" Sirius asked nearly dropping his spoon with half-disgust, half-glee.

"He's in Egypt." Snape scowled defensively lifting his head up so his hair fell back.

"Aw, you wanted to spend Christmas with him, didn't you?" Sirius replied in mock sympathy, grinning from ear to ear. "Draco, Narcissa, Lucius- and Severus. Guess you're not close enough to be considered family yet."

"Shut up Black!" Snape hollered, his finger frozen on the snowman's hat. Two red splotches were starting to rise from his cheeks again, and he was shaking slightly in his seat.

"Woah, calm down, no need to spaz out. It's Malfoy that left you in a blizzard on Christmas Eve, not me." Sirius said laughing as he held up two hands in surrender. Snape seemed to be struggling to keep his emotions under control, he was clearly upset, and the stabbing comments from Sirius' end wasn't helping. "So where are you going to spend Christmas? Your parents?"

"No." Snape snapped. Sirius realized it was like sitting in the office at the ministry all over again; he looked so disappointed, so unhappy.

"So where?" Sirius asked him as twirled his spoon in circles. Snape remained silent, giving him a look that would cause a vicious animal to mewl. "Hellooooo... where are you spending Christmas? Come on, it's not a hard question."

"I'm not." Snape said tersely.

"You're not? You're not what?" Sirius pressed.

"I'm not celebrating Christmas!" Snape roared clenching his fists.

Sirius pretended to be shocked and drew in one melodramatic gasp as he clenched a hand to his mouth. This did not amuse Snape in the least, he was shaking harder than ever, and shooting glances at him that looked positively murderous.

"No-- you're spending Christmas _alone_?" Sirius said in a fake, sickeningly concerned tone. " B-but you're so likable! I can think of _tons_ of people who'd want to spend their Christmas with you!"

"Shut up right now-" Snape said softly his lips barely moving.

"-You're right." Sirius interrupted raising from the table. He laughed, which caused Snape to tense up farther. " _You're not worth it Snivelly_. And I've got shopping to do; gonna have a great Christmas tomorrow with all my friends! Well, taa-taa."

SsSsSsS

Sirius managed to finish all his shopping, despite the fact that he attempted to floo into many stores that were closed. Eventually he found himself in the living room wrapping packages with his wand and stuffing them into bags. He had to re-wrap a few of them, because he was too frantic to remember to remove the price-tags. It was tradition for Remus, James and him to spend Christmas Eve together. They had just spent so many years being in the same room with each other, sleeping over on these holidays seemed to be expected. They were only allowed to open one present though, and it was always pajamas. Last year Remus had managed to find him a one-peice suit with the ass flap held on by buttons.

It was past seven o'clock and he hadn't seen Snape since his encounter earlier that morning. He wondered if Snape would just hide in his room until New Years, which would be impressive, because he hadn't come up to eat or piss or anything. Sirius would have thought he was gone completely, if he didn't hear the occasional thump from below the floorboards.

"Finally." Sirius breathed putting the last present in the bag. "Now to haul this shit out. It's going to take...three trips at least."

He was always nervous walking into fire with packages, but he got over his discomfort as he stepped into his best friends living room. It was no longer messy, but there was still a lot of stuff everywhere. The Christmas tree was lit, and the lights were dim to reveal colored rays, all icy and blue, dancing over the ceiling. There was a radio on, and the sound of Christmas carols was streaming out of it.

"Hey, good to see you Padfoot!" James said jumping over the miniature train-set running renegade on the carpet. "It wouldn't stay on the track no matter what spell I used. Doesn't matter though, Harry loves it." He explained pulling Sirius into a tight hug. "Merlin's boots-- is that all for us?" He asked pointing at the two bags full of gifts.

"There's more at the house." Sirius said. "Those are just the ones I could carry."

"Oh, Sirius, you didn't have to bring so much." Lily said walking in with Harry. She set him down on the floor and he immediately crawled to catch the train.

"It's nothing." Sirius mumbled embarrassed shrugging. "Least I can do. I owe you much more."

"Who let the bum in?" Remus teased emerging from the kitchen with a cup of tea. "Those Potter's will let anybody in their home, I swear."

"Not anybody." Sirius replied picking up Harry, who was in full locomotion. "I got something really funny to tell you guys later- just remind me after I get all my stuff. And you," Sirius said tickling Harry, " just keep trying to catch that train. Maybe Uncle Sirius will get you something that'll make you _fly _around this place, know what I mean?" he added with a wink. Harry giggled and he reluctantly passed him off to his mother.

James, Sirius, and Remus was able to take one trip together to get all the gifts. They then spent the next hour setting everyone's gifts under the tree.

"It looks like a rainbow exploded under your tree." Sirius laughed relaxing on the couch with some spiked egg nog.

"Thanks to you, we all look like materialistic jerks." Remus chuckled playing with Harry on his lap. "Seriously, who brings six bags full of presents? Did you just not stop shopping after last Christmas?"

"Nah, he's just Santa Claus." Lily joked cuddling up to James.

"Oh- that reminds me!" Sirius said excited. "Ha ha, you will not believe this. Snape's all alone tonight."

"What do you mean?" James urged with a smile.

"I mean, he expected to spend Christmas with Malfoy, but he was left behind. My dear cousin is in Egypt, and Snape got all weepy because he hasn't got anybody to celebrate Christmas with. Isn't that hilarious?" Sirius said laughing. "You should have seen his face, it was great- I seriously wish you had been there."

"That's awesome!" James agreed with a chuckle.

"That's awful!" Lily said pushing away from James. Remus nodded in agreement. "How could you say that? Poor Severus!"

"What?" James said, his smile less assuring.

"Invite him here." Lily said seriously.

"This is a joke, right?" James said looking at Remus and Sirius for support.

"Severus is invited to have Christmas with us." Lily replied crossing her arms. "Sirius, go get him."

"Snape? Over here? In my house?." James said getting up from his seat.

"Sirius." Lily said softly. She gave him such a look of authority, he was taken back to the memory of being a small child. "Do. It. Now."

"Uh, mate, your wife is giving me a very scary look, so no offense, but I think I'm going to do it." Sirius said raising from the couch. He hurried over to the fireplace and quickly threw the floo powder in. He didn't want to stick around any part of the heavily, tense silence.

He was whisked away, and moments later he was standing on his living room carpet. He had notions of just counting to 100 and turning back again, claiming Snape had no interest in being there, but the look Lily had given him discouraged any thought of rebellion. He heard a door closing and realized Snape had just walked out of the bathroom and was making his way back into his room.

"Snape!" Sirius called walking down the hall.

Snape turned to meet him; he was still in the bed clothes he had worn that morning, and he was looking sullen at Sirius' strange appearance.

"What is it you want Black?" He asked, much more venom was applied to this sentence than Sirius felt necessary.

"You're invited." Sirius said. He felt like he was asking Snape to a play-date his mother set up.

"To what?" Snape replied icily.

"To my wedding." Sirius said sarcastically. "What do you think Snape? To Christmas. You're invited to spend Christmas with...James, Lily, Harry, Remus and me."

"Oh, this is rich." He sneered, "You really go too far Black. Provoking me this morning wasn't enough, you had to add insult to injury, did you? Well you can shove your fucking sunshine- lollipop Christmas up your egotistic, self-absorbed arse."

"Well said, you lonely, pathetic, slime-ball. Rot here." Sirius retorted defensively. "Wait- Lily won't think I asked you if you didn't come."

"Lily?" Snape sneered.

"Just show up and leave, so it looked like I asked you." Sirius sighed.

"No." Snape refused looking pleased with the shift in power. "Deal with it."

"Always the hard way." Sirius huffed. He caught Snape off guard as he lifted him off his feet and slung him over his shoulder. After getting over the shock of being hoisted off the ground, Snape began to struggle, punching and kicking, while twisting in Sirius' grip.

"Merlin- calm down! Wiggly bastard." Sirius cursed. He had never really tried to floo with someone before. With some embarrassment, he let Snape down and quickly forced him in a tight hug. This produced mixed results, Snape was finally stationary but Sirius was getting full view of him looking back with unmasked worry and horror. There was an awkward pause as he stood in James' fireplace, face to face, and invading each other's personal space much more than they were used to.

"Severus, I'm so glad you could make it." Lily said as Snape pushed Sirius away from him as if he were Voldemort himself.

"Not willingly!" Snape assured as he searched for the floo powder on the mantle.

"Oh, did we wake you?" Lily asked taking note of Snape's bedclothes. "Sorry about that. Please do stay."

"_Gay_." James mouthed to Sirius, pointing at his night shirt. Sirius nodded with a celebrated grin. Lily did not see the gesture, but it did not escape Snape who was searching for the floo powder with renewed vigor.

"I've got other plans." Snape excused himself. "I don't take kindly to kidnapping, so if you don't mind-"

"Severus." Lily said in the soft, commanding tone she had used with Sirius. "Please stay."

Snape, looking displeased and miserable, crossed his arms and mumbled something to himself before finding a seat near the tree, farthest away from the group. An hour of drinking and telling stories passed and he watched them all in avid silence, searching for ridicule in their faces as he tried to cover up his uncomfortable nakedness. He wasn't used to parading other peoples houses in nothing but his bedclothes. To make things worse, the train had a nasty habit of running over his toes, and in turn, Harry followed and had found himself at Snape's feet.

"Oh Harry!" Lily sighed as he lifted Snape's nightshirt enough to flash his underwear to the room. "I'm sorry, he's just curious."

Snape pulled his nightshirt down quickly and looked humiliated as Sirius and James burst out in hysterical laughter. Even Remus had trouble to hide his amusement, he had his face buried in two hands, trying to pass off his chuckles as coughs. Lily got up and pulled Harry away, who was starting to cry at the departure of discovering the new stranger in the house.

"James, I seriously love that kid." Sirius remarked looking at Snape's reddening face.

"It's late, I think we should all go to bed soon." Lily said as she nervously watched Snape go on the defensive. "So let's open our pajamas."

Snape seemed to shrink farther into the seat as the group exchanged their gifts. Sirius noticed how still he was, as if he was a newborn deer, hiding from predators. His eyes were studying one of the numerous lights, and he had a dead look on his face. It almost seemed he was pretending to be in the room entirely by himself. This struck Sirius as intriguing, and even a little disturbing. How the hell could anyone just block out the world so effortlessly?

The wind was howling loudly, and Remus pulled back a curtain before gasping. The snow had risen about a foot in the past couple of hours and was still on the rise.

"Looks like we'll be stuck here a while." he said with guilty smile.

"No loss, I don't fancy seeing your sister tomorrow Lily." James said pulling her into another hug. "Especially after she called me, 'freak, freak, freak'. Guess we'll have to visit them later."

"We should go to bed." Sirius said yawning.

"Right, Sirius and Severus get the upstairs, and Remus will sleep on the couch bed."

"Uh...there's only one guest bedroom upstairs." Sirius said slowly.

"I know." Lily said brightly. "I'm not going to make you sleep in the hall." she laughed.

"I'm not sharing a room with him." Snape spoke up for the first time.

"Well, it wouldn't be appropriate for Remus to be sleeping in bed with your fiance, would it? So, now that's settled." Lily reasoned.

"Excuse me? Same bed?" Sirius stuttered. Snape was having parallel thoughts, as he was now glaring at Lily in anger.

"It's just for one night. Don't tell me you two haven't gotten over that hump yet." Lily replied lifting her eyebrows, oblivious to the dirty looks she was getting. "You do realize you're going to be married, right?"

"Thanks for reminding me." Sirius mumbled, trying not to think of Snape's grey night shirt.

"It's been fun, really," Snape said sarcastically, "but I think I'll just go home." he said lifting himself from the seat and making his way to the mantle.

"You can't! In this weather? The floo network might be up, but I wouldn't forgive myself if something happened to you." Lily pleaded. Snape turned scarlet and appeared much less aggressive. He traced the mantelpiece with a finger and shrugged. "Please?"

Snape shrugged again, avoiding her eyes, and muttered something incoherent. She smiled and patted his shoulder encouragingly before picking up Harry and going upstairs to put him to bed. Remus and James were sharing a hesitant looks as Snape quietly followed up the stairs after her.

SsSsSsS

Authors Note: I already wrote part of the next chapter, but I felt this one needed to end. Also- I did another fan art piece-- this one is of Snape, and I must say, he looks exactly how I see him in my head. Here's the link (there's three spaces in there):

http://i233. photobucket. com/albums/ee31/Pavlock18/addict. jpg


	7. Sleep Time Fun

**Authors Note: Okay, first some answers. doesn't allow outside links to be published on their website; they have an automatic block against it, hence the spaces in the link.**

**Also, I was surprised and had to laugh a bit at the flame I got. Personally, I've always thought of Lily as someone who is kind-hearted, but extremely lacking in empathy. She's not an understanding person; she just forces her way on things she deems "wrong". Lily's not brainless, just clueless, like so many of those self-righteous types. **

**But honestly, In my defense, conflict creates interest, which is why I left Snape so vulnerable in my last chapter. That and I don't see the rationality of changing out of your bedclothes a few hours before bed. But enough of my drivel, on with the show.**

SsSsSsS

"I feel like a corpse." Sirius mumbled. He was on his back, legs stiff, and elbows tucked in stiffly to his sides. "No one sleeps like this."

It was a chore trying to keep from touching one another, although the bed was not exactly what Sirius would call small. He had hesitated to turn out the light, least Snape attack him in the dark. But this was a sort of unfounded fear; Snape hadn't cursed him since he moved in, and he didn't have his wand with him either. It wasn't really anger, but awkwardness they were forced into confronting.

"I'm not comfortable." Sirius announced bumping his elbow against the solid body beside him. "And don't pretend you are either. I know you're not sleeping."

"Not _now_," Snape sneered shifting onto his stomach. "And last I looked, I didn't cast an imperious curse; if you're not satisfied with your position, move."

"Then move over!" Sirius growled spreading his elbows abruptly so they dug into Snape's ribs.

"Why should I?" Snape rolled over and started to kick into Sirius' foot-space. "You're the bed hog!"

"I don't- want- to-," Sirius grunted pushing back, "touch-you!"

"Then DON'T!" Snape snarled.

"So STOP!" Sirius was now shouting in Snape's face.

The door creaked open and a sliver of light caused them both to see Remus curiously peeking in. He was in his new pajamas, which were as usual, too big for him. He looked fully awake, as if he had expected their loud outbursts before settling in himself. He didn't walk in, but only stuck his head out of the door.

"Are you guys okay?" He asked in a hushed whisper. "I heard you downstairs- you could've woken Harry."

"What about this looks okay?" Snape hissed at Remus as he motioned to Sirius dramatically.

"Yeah, I should be in bed with a gorgeous woman, but no, I get stuck with Snivellus." Sirius argued crossing his arms with disgust.

"You're the one that brought me here, imbecile!" Snape shouted in his ear. "Unless you have extensive brain damage or memory loss, I can't possibly see how you recall this as my fault!"

"Motherfucker!" Sirius cursed clutching his ear before shoving Snape off roughly off the bed. "You're so rude!"

Snape, who was tangled in the bed covers, fell on the floor with a thump. He struggled visibly, flailing around, trying to kick off the large knot that was twisting around his ankle, but only making it worse. This put Sirius in a better mood, as Snape comically pulled himself to his feet, almost tripping, and straightened his nightshirt, panting.

"If you think it's only your stupid flying bike I can disassemble, you're mistaken." Snape threatened breathlessly.

"What's that?" Sirius said holding his hand to his ear, "You want to sleep on the floor?"

"Maybe I do!" Snape sneered. "Enjoy freezing to death!" He added viciously grabbing the sheet and quilt and pushing them in the far corner of the room.

"Enjoy the hard floor!" Sirius shouted back, hugging his pillow and turning his back. "You probably would have wet the bed anyway."

"You know I can get you some more blankets-" Remus suggested.

"Stay out of this werewolf!" Snape snarled settling himself on the rug. "And I do not wet the bed!"

"Fine. I'll check back in the morning to make sure you're both still alive." Remus said before shutting the door with an irritated sigh.

"It's a good thing you're sleeping on the floor and I'm on the nice, soft bed." Sirius said in the darkness. "I didn't want you brushing up against me, or trying to look at me in the middle of the night."

"What the hell are you going on about now Black?" Snape snapped, his voice was muffled, and Sirius had the impression he had pulled the covers over his face.

"Don't play dumb. We both know you're enjoying this a lot more than you let on." Sirius replied. "I mean, I'm handsome-"

"-So you keep saying." Snape scowled. "You might have a handful of disillusioned floozies tell you that they find you attractive, but I assure you, I do not."

"You're in so much denial." Sirius laughed. "I'm way better looking than Malfoy. What hope do you have scoring with someone in my league? I mean, you're pathetic, you lost your virginity, like what? A couple months ago?"

Sirius realized his mistake the moment it left his mouth, but the damage was done. He heard Snape shifting through the covers again, and as his eyes adjusted to the light, he could see the lean, silhouetted figure looming over the bed. Sirius grabbed his pillow and held it tight, least Snape throw a punch in his direction.

"How the hell did you know that?" Snape asked in an angry hiss.

"I guessed!" Sirius lied. "Don't tell me it's true?" He added in a mocking tone. He hoped Snape would get embarrassed and back off, returning to his corner, but the lie only seemed to infuriate him.

"Were you spying on me?" Snape asked again, this time it was in a soft, dangerous whisper.

Sirius hesitated, he wasn't scared of Snape, but he certainly didn't want to face whatever twisted wrath the man would bestow on him if he was found out. He certainly wasn't a pervert, and he was sure he would be viewed as such if he didn't come up with something more plausible.

"Well, since you asked," Sirius growled doing some quick thinking. "I found some _evidence_ on the sofa. Since I haven't ever had sex while sleepwalking, I can only guess it was your mess. You're welcome by the way- and next time you leave it there, I'm just going to shove the cushions in your face until you clean it up yourself."

Sirius exhaled slowly as Snape seemed to weigh his answer in silence. Wordlessly he made his way back to his corner and crawled under the covers once more. Sirius shivered, and mentally patted himself on the back for the quick save. Within moments the room became the quiet tomb he had entered hours before, the only sound was the wind and their breathing.

"Are you asleep?" Sirius whispered sitting up. He had been planning on stealing the quilt draped over Snape's head as soon as he had passed out. There was no answer from the dark corner, so he slipped off the side of the bed. "Want to make out and see where it leads to?" he asked creeping closer. "I bet Malfoy is fucking his wife right now." he added for good measure. Still, there was no cry of outrage or interjection.

It would have been much easier to grab a spare blanket from the closet in the hallway, but he liked the idea of his fiance waking up cold and on the floor. He tip-toed over to Snape's side, watched his slow, even breathing, and carefully lifted the quilt over his head. There was a corner stuck under his elbow, and Sirius bent over trying to slide it out from under him. He was untucking the blanket from Snape's leg up to his hip before he saw Snape stir.

"What!?" shouted Snape jumping abruptly as he saw Sirius over him. His eyes widened with shock and revolution as he caught sight of Sirius' hand lingering over his pelvis. "What the hell are you doing!?" He shouted in a frenzy. "Oh- my God!"

"No- I wasn't trying to touch you!" Sirius explained. "I was cold-"

"Get away from me Black, or I'll break your jaw!" Snape threatened getting to his feet with amazing agility. He picked up a metal plated hand-mirror from the nearby dresser and held it tightly in his fist.

"Please, we both know I can easily over-power you." Sirius laughed pulling the quilt harder towards himself. He stopped chuckling when he saw the returned look of unmistaken alarm and realized that perhaps that wasn't the smartest thing he could have said to someone suspecting him of attempted rape. "That came out wrong."

"I knew you would try something like this. " Snape snarled. "Ever since you tried to hug me!"

"Something like-? Honestly Snape, how clueless can you get? I was trying to steal the quilt." Sirius stammered, angry Snape remembered the hug incident. " And you don't even rate high enough in my book for a mercy-fuck."

"Rape is about power, not about sex." Snape chanted raising the mirror above his head.

"For the last time, I'm not a rapist!" Sirius replied exasperated wrapping the quilt around himself. "Real life is nothing like your twisted fantasies! Look, see? No raping is going on- I got what I want, and I'm going to bed."

"You can't have the bed and my quilt!" Snape growled clenching the mirror tighter in his fist. His previous fear seemed to disappear and was replaced with cold fury.

"So come and take it from me!" Sirius said sticking out his tongue, hugging the quilt tighter against himself. "I'd give it to you, but I have a strict no-grease-ball policy-"

The lights flicked on, causing both of them to squint their eyes in pain and whirl around. Lily standing in the doorway, doing a very impressive angry McGonagall impression. Snape lamely laid down the mirror on the dresser and cleared his throat as Sirius stepped toward the bed and hastily laid the quilt on the bed.

"It's four o'clock in the morning." Lily announced. "Can you guess what everyone on the block is doing?"

"Waiting for Santa?" Sirius shrugged with a guilty grin. Snape shot him a particularly nasty glare, trying to convey his disapproval.

"Sleeping, Sirius." Lily huffed. "You two woke James up several times already, and don't get me started on Harry. Remus is convinced your funeral will come before your wedding, and I'm not sure I have much faith he's wrong."

"You have no idea the kind of hellish things that he's put me though." Snape scowled.

"You both are very good people!" Lily shouted back, looking very upset. "I know you don't get along, but you two could work it out if you tried!"

Sirius shifted uncomfortably and Snape continued to look at him with contempt.

"Look, everyone is tired." Lily said brushing a stray strand of hair out of her face. "Please just go to bed and stop fighting. Can you do that?"

Sirius chewed the inside of his lip and nodded, feeling slightly shamed for his actions. Snape didn't reply, but slipped under the bedspread without a second look. Lily took it as her cue to leave, and like Remus, flicked off the lights and snapped the door shut. Sirius climbed into bed, blinking away the colored blocks that burned into his eyes as he tried to adjust once more to the darkness. He laid down, finally feeling exhausted enough to rest, before a wave of hysteria over took him. It started off as a muffled chortle, but grew into nervous, uncontrollable laughter.

"Have you lost what's left of your mind?" Snape scowled tiredly.

"That would be such a sweet release right now, wouldn't it?" Sirius choked into his pillow.

SsSsSsS

It became quite apparent to Sirius that his friends were annoyed with him that Christmas morning. Or rather, that Christmas afternoon. It was 12 o'clock and he had just woken up with his ass sticking into Snape's back, who was either too damn tired to care or secretly enjoying the warmth. Either way, Snape mumbled something (probably insulting) as Sirius removed himself from the bed and left the room. Disgusted and a little amused, he walked down the heavily decorated stairwell to see everyone still in their pyjamas.

"Merry Christmas." Sirius yawned. James, who was lounging on the sofa, picked up a snowman cushion and threw it at Sirius' face. "Woke you up too, huh?"

"Lily wouldn't let me get involved, she was afraid I'd hurt Snape." James scowled. "Can't imagine why. _You_ were the one yelling every five minutes."

"Snape was yelling too! And if it bothered you, why didn't you just cast a silencing spell on the room?"

"Because Lily was also scared you'd kill Snape." Remus replied appearing from the kitchen with a plate of eggs and bacon. He settled himself next to James and kicked his feet up. "Seriously, what the hell were you two doing?"

"Food first, talk later." Sirius replied speed-walking into the kitchen.

Lily was fully dressed and at the counter opening a jar of baby-food for Harry before looking up and taking notice of Sirius. To his surprise, she looked neither irritated or distressed like she had the night before, and he figured it had to be because she was enjoying Harry's Christmas spirit. He was, after all, giggling and looking very pleased with his new knit sweater, which had a reindeer flying from the ground on a broomstick.

"Is Severus still asleep?" Lily asked sitting beside Harry who stared at the food eagerly.

"I guess." Sirius shrugged. "Does it matter? It's not like we got him anything."

"You didn't buy him a present?" Lily gasped surprised.

"Uh...don't act so shocked..." Sirius replied with a half grin, refusing to be guilted. "I'm pretty sure you didn't get him anything either. Well, other than a lousy night with me."

"It's just that you brought so much, I thought you'd at least get something for your fiancé." Lily said shrugging.

Sirius fought back the urge to scowl. The word "fiancé" brought a feeling much like rubbing a cheese-grater against his stomach. Annoyed, he walked over to the cupboards and grabbed himself a plate, loading it with enough eggs and sausage for three people.

"He didn't get me anything." Sirius said trying to take a different approach to the argument.

"Severus is timid. He wouldn't go out of his way to do something nice while you and James make fun of his every move." Lily said as she spoon-fed Harry.

"He wasn't so timid last night." Sirius laughed. Lily looked up curiously and raised her eyebrows. "Jesus, why do you guys always think I'm trying to say something sexual? What I mean is you seem to have a completely different view on him than everybody else."

"You're both so clueless." Lily sighed. "You know, the Ministry doesn't just pull people's name out of a hat."

"What are you saying?" Sirius asked, furrowing his brow. A knot was welling up in his stomach as some sense of deeper meaning laid in her comment.

"I mean, on some level...you and Severus are attracted to each other."

"No- ha ha, no, no, I'm not." Sirius laughed, thinking of Snape's 'he's-trying-to-rape-me' face. "I mean, _he_ might, because he's ... well, I don't think there's a word for what he _is_, per say. Malfoy-lover; that's sort of close but-"

"You're rambling." Lily said with a smirk.

"You-" Sirius said pointing at her and narrowing his eyes, "You're a - a mean person. Yes, a very mean person. You're trying to trick me into liking him- I mean, thinking I like him, but I don't. And it won't work."

"Guilty." Lily chuckled, holding up a hand. "Sirius please. I think you know how you feel about Severus. I also think you know how you could feel about him, if you allowed yourself to."

"You know what? I'm leaving with this plate of delicious food while I still have my appetite." Sirius said. He winked at Harry's messy, food-slopped face and said, "I'll see you in a bit mate."

At one o'clock they were all fed and ready to open presents. Lupin laughed as Harry and James shared the same hungry, needy expression while staring at the colourful wrapping paper. Sirius was about to grab one with Santa break-dancing with his reindeer when Lily asked,

"We shouldn't start without Severus."

There was an uncomfortable silence that followed. James nearly rolled his eyes but Lily caught him in mid-roll so he was left looking at Remus' dirty fork with comedic intensely.

"I'll get him." Sirius growled, knowing the request to do so would eventually fall on his shoulders. Lily beamed at him, looking pleased as he got up from the floor and walked up the stairs.

He was planning on making a loud, sudden entry just in case Snape was asleep, but was stopped at the door when he heard a sound he hadn't expected. Snape was crying, and none too silently. Sirius was careful not to open the door any more than the small crack least it creak and give him away. He could only see his fiancé's upper-body, pressed against the bed, his arms over his head as he wept. He sounded more in agony then upset, but Sirius couldn't understand why, he hadn't been physically harmed.

A pang of compassion consumed him faster than the thought to numb himself against it. Although he had always known Snape was angry, friendless (except for his creepy, backward-ass of a cousin), and humiliated, he had killed all feeling of sympathy. It was now awakened, entirely new and overwhelming as he watched a truly broken man weeping in private. He had just watched this man make love not long ago. (To another man, of course.)

"_Oh Merlin, did I just think 'make love'_?" Sirius thought biting his lip as he tip-toed down stairs. He knew what he was going to do, and horrified a part of him was proud he was going to do it. The other part was screaming at the insanity of it all. "_What the hell is wrong with me- this is so wrong._"

"Where's Severus?" Lily asked, looking worried. James looked relieved, yet annoyed when he saw Sirius come back just by himself.

"One second." Sirius said stepping over Remus' skinny legs and leaning over the tree. He scanned the mass of colourful blobs as his companion's mounting confusion weighed in the air. "I'll be back in a minute." Sirius said grabbing the circular-shaped package he was looking for. Quickly, he ripped off the tag, "for Moony". They watched him jump up the stairs loudly, with great intent on announcing his entry as he walked into the dark bedroom.

Snape had heard his heavy steps and was laying on his side silently. He was no longer crying, or showed any signs of greeting Sirius, angrily or otherwise.

"You're still in bed?" Sirius said, trying to sound surprised. His heart was pounding, like it would in school when Snape was very close to discovering a nasty end of a prank.

"Where else would I be?" Snape growled, his voice muffled by the comforter he had thrown over his head.

"Downstairs maybe?" Sirius snapped. Snape didn't reply. "I got you something."

This made Snape snort unattractively, causing Sirius to wince.

"It's not cursed, I promise." Sirius insisted.

"Nice try." Snape mumbled. "You do remember that I went to school for seven years, and all those seven years you never once showed any interest in telling me the truth?"

"Well, I'll just leave it here." Sirius sighed leaving it on the bed. "Merry Christmas."

Snape didn't move or talk as he laid the present on the bed and walked out the door. He stole a glance in the room just before he walked down the stairs, but Snape still seemed frozen on his side, the blanket covering his head. He had never known how uncomfortable and awkward he could feel until he caught the astonished gaping from James and Remus. Lily was beaming, hugging Harry close to her, and Sirius felt his face go hot.

"Snivellus is...tired." He said lamely. James and Remus caught eyes and Sirius found he was biting his lip. Lily didn't even scold him for using the cruel nickname.

"Hey, let's open gifts, okay?" Lily suggested. Sirius was relieved to have the spotlight shift and settled next to her so he could play with Harry.

Halfway through their tornado of excitement, James jumped up and shouted in alarm as a wave of snow, sand and wood-chips sprayed him from the fireplace in the middle of his back. Lucius Malfoy, dressed in his normal glorious attire, stepped out of the fireplace brushing himself off. Sirius and Remus were on their feet in an instant, wands ready as Lily held Harry close to her.

"What are you doing here, Malfoy?" James screamed causing Harry to cry.

Lucius' smirked, amused at the ruckus he was causing before shooting the Christmas tree a look of distaste. "Charming." he hissed looking at the pajama-clad group. "I'm here to see Severus."

SsSsSsS

**Authors Note: I know it took me insanely long to bring out this chapter. I'm just a slow writer, and I think we all know what happens when people are forced to write when they're not in the mood. cough cough book 7 cough . That and I'm writing another fic that ties into this one. It's pretty kick ass. (It's a love story that takes place in Harry Potters time, with mystery, violence and intrigue! And humour.) **

**Anyway, this morning, the morning of Black Friday, I was suddenly inspired to write. So I'll be writing the next chapter now. **

**I'm madly in love with all of you.**


	8. Manipulation

**Authors Note: In case you're super dense and didn't catch on, Remus does have a major crush on Sirius. I haven't decided if it will lead somewhere or not. If it becomes somehow relevant, perhaps I'll elaborate. **

SsSsSsS

"Well, isn't this darling?" Malfoy purred with a smug smirk casting a predatory glance at Harry. Lily tried fretfully to calm him down, and reduced his cries into a weeping mew. Sirius wasn't positive, but he could have sworn the temperature in the room had dropped six degrees as James' icy glare permeated through tense atmosphere.

"Cut the shit Malfoy," he hissed. Lily gasped and covered Harry's ears casting James a disproving look. He swivelled towards her, his face noticeably apologetic in contrast to his previous expression. "Sorry Honey, It's just that it makes me so angry when these assholes- ugh, sorry again-"

"Where is Severus?" Malfoy interrupted now looking perturbed. He was standing very rigid. Sirius couldn't help but feel 'stick up your ass' was an excellent way to describe him at that moment. "I did not come here all the way from Africa to tour your unsightly house."

"Hey! I work _damn hard_ to make this place look pleasant!" Lily growled, her fingers still placed over little Harry's head. Apparently she didn't take very well to anyone insulting her home-making skills, and especially not a Malfoy. "I'd like to see you buy an old house, replace the windows and doors, repaint it-"

"Once again, this conversation is getting painfully and increasingly less relevant." Lucius informed her, his cane tapping the floor impatiently. He searched the house with his eyes, as if expecting Snape to be camouflaged in the mist of the bright decor. He gagged in Malfoy offence as he caught sight of a musty deer head poking out from the wall with his antlers garnished with tinsel.

"Yeah, I told James to put that in the basement." Lily said catching his showy disgust.

"Stop trying to be friends with him Lils!" James hissed causing Lucius to raise an eyebrow. "He's on the list of our mortal enemies."

"I think the house looks nice." Remus interrupted with a good-natured smile. His wand hand relaxed slightly as he faced at Lily. "And your new doors look great." he added.

"Aw, thank you Remus." Lily replied looking pleased. Sirius noticed she had uncovered Harry's ears in her gratitude. " I was watching the television and this man in flannel was installing doors on the home network channel. I thought to myself, 'that doesn't look so hard', so I went out and-"

"Pardon," Malfoy said so frostily he made the blizzard outside look like a heat-wave. " But we're talking to _me_ right now. I believe I asked you a question concerning Severus' whereabouts." Malfoy said through clenched teeth. Lily was slightly taken aback at the viciousness of his interruption.

"Woah," Sirius said to James with a smirk. "Someone's got a case of 'only-child-syndrome'. Better make another baby mate, or Harry will be demanding all eyes on him when he's 20-something. "

"Harry is not going to grow up an attention-monger!" James replied looking offended, waving his wand in a fury. "Why would you say that? How could you compare my child to Snape's bratty, sinister boyfriend?"

"If I have to ask again I will become violent." Lucius snarled casting a dark look at Lily and Harry.

"He's upstairs." Lily said coldly. "James will show you."

James glared at Malfoy, the back of his pajamas soaked through and grabbed his wand off the mantle. He straightened himself up, casting a look at the room with a serious glance, despite the wood-chips that fell to the floor with every step.

"Let's go." He said, his voice rougher and deeper than usual. Malfoy smirked, finding James' intended bravado less intimidating and more in the realm of entertaining. He walked up the stairs, James trailing behind him, his wand gripped hard in his palm.

"That man gives me chills." Remus said letting out a breath he had been holding in. "I always feel like he's just waiting for the right moment to kill me."

"We could take him down easy." Sirius huffed. He recalled the memory of the kind, gentle Lucius he had witnessed months before with some agony. They seemed like two entirely different people.

"Let's hope things don't come to that...he's going to be your...cousin-husband-in-law." Remus said screwing up his face. "Well," he added with a smile and a shrug. "the family reunions sure will be interesting."

"Ugh- my family tree is starting to loop within itself! I _hate_ the Ministry!" Sirius growled throwing up his hands. " I mean, I would gladly marry you Moony over Snape! Why couldn't they have set me up with you?"

Remus looked slightly embarrassed and shoved a mouthful of cold eggs in his mouth. He shrugged, then cleared his throat as Sirius nervously started opening a present that was addressed to Harry.

"Shoes?" Sirius sighed looking at the little booties. "Come on Lily, a boy needs toys!"

"Harry has plenty of toys, thanks to you. Any more and it'd look like he owned the house." She giggled. "Malfoy is a jerk but he's not all bad. Just a little rough around the edges...and arrogant...and a bit of a snobbish prat. And _I_ think my home looks nice," She said putting her hands on her hips. " I bet I decorate much better than Narcissa! I mean, it's not like we have unlimited budgeting and an army of house elves at our every whim and fancy!"

"Lily, the house looks amazing. He was just being a git." Sirius soothed. " And believe me, Narcissa's house-decorating skills are absolutely horrid. Last time I was forced to visit their home, I saw her put this ugly puke-green rug on the floor. I suppose she thought it was an antique or something, but it was really just old and raggedy. It was a tragedy." Sirius said. Of course the story wasn't true considering he'd never stepped into the Malfoy Manor a day in his life nor would he ever be invited if he could help it.

"Puke green?" She tittered. Her laugh suggested she didn't quite believe his tale.

"The pukest green I've ever laid eyes on." Sirius swore with a very solemn, straight face. Her smile brightened visibly.

Everyone looked to the stairway as James came down, alone, rubbing the side of his head and holding what looked like a tub of chai tea mix. His face was slightly red and he looked angered as he joined the group. He sat on the couch, his ass crinkling a wad of wrapping paper.

"Where are they?" Remus asked looking worried. "Are you okay?"

"They wanted to be alone." James huffed setting down his wand and the chai tea tub (that Sirius had given to Snape as a present) on the table. "When I told them no, Snape got pissed and threw this at me."

"Ah Ha!" Sirius shouted pointing a finger at James. Everyone jumped at the sudden boom of sound. "So, Snivellus _did_ unwrap it! You are all my witnesses!" Sirius declared with a triumphant smile.

"Yeah. And he threw it away. Literally." James spat looking increasingly annoyed as everyone else chuckled into their laps. "I left before Malfoy and Snape started queering in front of me."

"James!" Lily said covering Harry's ears once more. "That's a horrible thing to say! They're in love!"

"Ew!" Sirius and James shouted in unison.

"Oh please, you're marrying a boy." Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius. "Don't act like a prude."

"Broads." Sirius sighed. "They always like that gay stuff." He said exasperated. "I'll never understand it. Right Moony?"

"I think it's nice Severus has someone to care for him. Even if it is a horrible, low-lifed, sadistic, louse of an evil bastard like Malfoy." Remus said into his tea cup.

"Damn." James said Sirius' eye and grinning.

"What do you think they're doing up there?" Lily asked.

"OH _come_ ON!" Sirius shouted lifting up another present. "Please lets not start talking about _that_."

"I didn't mean anything sexual." Lily sighed. "But if you think that's a possibility I'll wash the bed sheets when they leave."

"Ew!" Sirius and James shouted in unison for the second time.

"Pretty strong feelings coming from someone who will be having relations with Snape in a couple of months." Lily reminded him darkly as she started opening a present.

"Ew!" James interjected, only this time it was only his voice. He turned to Sirius, eyebrows raised. "Hey Padfoot, why so silent? Starting to like the slime-ball?" He teased.

"Fuck no, Prongs. I gave him a Christmas present, not a bloody Valentine." Sirius scowled. "It was a disgusted into silence, if you must know."

"You gave him _my _Christmas present." Remus reprimanded as he picked up the tea off the table. Sirius noticed it now had a good sized dent in it. "I picked this out with you last Saturday at the organic market."

"Er, really? Are you sure?" Sirius said shuffling over to the couch and leaned over Remus' shoulder. "Oh yeah...uh...Merry Christmas."

"Thanks." Remus laughed before settling it down near his other gifts.

Sirius had just stumbled toward the tree and started opening his present from James when Snape and Malfoy started down the stairs. Snape was dressed in a classy all black ensemble replacing his grey night-gown, and Lucius swept down the stairway looking careful not to trip over his long robes. Sirius secretly hoped he would, imagining the sharp corner on the coffee table impaling his dark, twisted, Snape-loving heart.

"You look nice Severus." Lily complimented, shooting a meaningful look at Sirius.

Lucius huffed his disapproval, as if a compliment from anyone such as Lily was reason to be cross. Snape seemed to be paying close attention to his partners reaction and followed suit sneering at her with irritation.

"Going to a funeral?" Sirius drawled, shooting daggers at Malfoy. He told himself his outburst was for Lily's sake and not only because he felt hatred towards Malfoy was bubbling over in his stomach.

"If we're lucky." Lucius replied cooly returning his gaze, rightfully interpreting the fire behind Sirius' eyes.

"Will you be back here for dinner?" Lily asked Snape, uncowed by Lucius' disposition.

"He's going to a formal dinner," Lucius said silkily. "and will not return to take part in your inane frivolous activities. Never the less, I will have him home at midnight."

"Did you boys want a slice of pie?" She offered. James threw up his hands in exasperation and he pocketed his wand with a scoff. He felt his role of protector being severely undermined next to his pacifying wife.

"Severus, I am at a loss." Lucius sighed dramatically as he turned his back to the group. "I have given her all the information on this evenings plans, and she still asks questions. How do you get the woman to be quiet?"

At the mention of the title "the woman" James eagerly whipped out his wand again, awaiting Lily's signal. Snape chewed his bottom lip and slowly shifted his attention towards her and for a quick instant he winced as he caught sight of her dead expression. He regained composure before slowly responding, "I'm not certain, it's never been an issue before."

Sirius gleefully coughed "wrong answer" in his hand as Lily unwrapped pot-holders with ferocious intensity. She never once blinked as she bore into Snape with a furiously indignant look. Snape seemed to pick up on what Sirius' horribly hidden comment meant and shrank closer towards Lucius, picking invisible lint off his partners tunic while avoiding any eye contact with the other side of the room.

"Shall we go, or are you not finished pawing at my shoulder?" Lucius asked Snape, questionably oblivious to the drama around him.

"Yes, lets." Snape replied without hesitation. In his rush he did not forget to shoot Sirius and James his routine look of utter loathing before scampering off to the fireplace.

Sirius sheathed his wand back into his pants pocket as the pair disappeared into the harmless, green flames. The absence of Snape made him breathe easier, knowing he would no longer be held to any responsible or standard and could safely enjoy the holiday.

"Can you believe those two? Shut me up indeed!" Lily fumed, hugging Harry close to her. "How dare they treat me like I'm some- some screaming banshie!"

"Yeah, if he thinks you're loud now, he should have seen you when you were hormonal and pregnant with-." James rambled sensing danger in his wife's narrowing eyes. "I mean, a pretty girl like you a banshie? Pishaw. You speak in normal volume and you're everything a guy could want. What a wonderful-"

"Okay James." Lily sighed, disarming her negative mood. She got up with Harry and disappeared into the kitchen with intentions of cooking dinner.

"Who's cares about those prats? Good riddance to bad company." Sirius yawned trying to lighten the spirit. He plopped down on a lounge-chair full of Remus' new clothes and stretched his legs, kicking boxes and wrapping paper to side. "Aw shit. I forgot the wine. I left it out on the counter." He reminded himself.

"We've got plenty here mate." James replied flicking his wand. It was a useful little spell as the mess they had made started cleaning itself up.

"Yeah, but this is special wine. Like, elf-made stuff." Sirius said lifting his legs as a random box floated into a trash-bag. " I had a glass once at a party, and let me tell you, those elves must have been wasted _all_ the time."

Sirius saw James' interest peek. They had often spent many-a-night getting drunk and playing stupid games. Christmas was just another excuse to do that; and it was always more fun when Remus joined them. Lily often said they were the silliest, happiest drunks she'd ever met, and although their brainless trio could get irritating, the stories that followed were often worth the headache.

"Let's go get it before Malfoy and Snape come home." James said pushing Sirius to the fireplace.

SsSsSsS

The house hadn't any lights on, and the blinds were shut, making the surroundings completely dark. Sirius was relieved and felt this was a good sign that no one had arrived before them. James casted 'lumos' and Sirius had to clamp a hand over his mouth to keep from shouting. There were at least 50 boxes neatly wrapped in different shades of shiny wrapping paper.

"They're all from Malfoy!" James hissed picking a couple up and reading the label. "I think he out-bought you Padfoot."

"What a freak, who would give Snievllus presents?" Sirius replied sourly.

"You maybe." James replied with a smirk. He dodged Sirius' punch to the arm with his expert Seeker reflexes.

"I gave him chai tea- this is, " Sirius said waving to the boxes, "this is _obscene_. He's obviously trying to buy Snape's affections."

"So?" James shrugged. He was visually more relaxed about the situation then his friend, which was irritating Sirius then he would like to admit.

"So-" Sirius started, but saw James' eyebrow raise, "-what? So what? I don't care."

"Do you-" James asked shifting uncomfortably.

"No!" Sirius barked cutting him off. "I just think it's annoying- Malfoy's annoying. And Snape!"

"He didn't...do anything to you last night, did he?" James said searching his face. "You didn't drink any potions or anything?"

"NO!" Sirius repeated louder then he meant to, his face starting to burn. "Why are you asking me this? Nevermind- don't answer that."

A collection of thumps ended any indulgence in their conversation, and Sirius recognised the sound to be coming from the basement. James turned to him, curiously studying the surprised look his friend was omitting. Both he and Sirius knew it was earlier than midnight, and if the pair of men had come home to a place where Sirius would most likely to lurk something had gone wrong. James watched him hold a single finger to his lips, motioning for quiet as they heard Snape's door open.

"Why was _she_ there?" they heard Snape snarl as his stomped into the kitchen. They listened to Malfoy's cane rap on the laminated floor before they tip-toed over the many gifts littered on the ground.

"She happens to be family Severus." Lucius said impatiently. It was clear over the tone of voices used Snape was upset over something and Malfoy was treating it as rather insignificant. "She's a Black, if you don't recall. Well, a Lestrange now I suppose."

"She's a bitch." Snape replied with venom. Sirius and James exchanged intrigued expressions, they had never heard Snape talk about anyone with as much loathing other then themselves.

"You're overreacting." Lucius informed him. "I'm aware that you and Bellatrix are not on good terms, but I didn't think you'd go into such a fit we'd have to leave early. You're really trying my patience today."

"She knows I'm sleeping with you." Snape said cooly. "She wouldn't stop calling me 'a home-wrecking pouf' in front of your wife. And to make matters worse, she thinks I'm love with her damnable cousin!"

"But you're not." Lucius said tersely. "So who cares? Nothing she says is to be taken seriously. She's a little crazy anyway."

"_Isn't that the truth._" Sirius thought as childhood memories of his cousin kicking garden gnomes for sport flooded his mind.

"You would care if it was your reputation being sullied around your peers."

"Don't be naive Severus." Lucius sighed. "Narcissa already knows we're together. She's not thrilled about it but she doesn't hold it against you. She knows I'm irresistible."

"You and Black have more things in common then you realise- especially the size of your ego concerning self-image."

"You're not nearly as amusing as you think you are, Severus Snape." Lucius retorted.

"And you're not nearly as useful." Shot back with intensity. Sirius watched James smile, enjoying the little tiff. " You said you could have that abomination of a marriage revoked by now."

"I've made countless visits to the Ministry, and I've taken a great many pains to come as far as I have." Lucius replied, this time with a tired sort of anger. "The result is always the same; they're scared to break off a spell in the middle of it's workings. Surely even you know how dangerous it can be to cut off magic while in motion."

"I'll take the risk." Snape replied in a growl.

"Merlin, you're so morbid lately!" Lucius tutted.

"Says the man who skinned a muggle alive." Snape drawled.

"It was a very entertaining story everyone wanted to hear."

"You are suggesting that 'everyone' is referring to Bellatrix, correct?"

"Humph, are you able to talk about anyone else? Surely you don't have some fascination with her Severus? She hates the very ground you walk on, but I bet I could set something up-"

"Shut up." Snape said in a temper. "You know I don't want to be with anyone other than you."

"Spoken like a true romantic." Lucius said sarcastically. "Anyway, how are you going to get Black to sign that marriage certificate? You know he won't agree to you marrying me willingly."

"That remains to be seen." Snape said.

Sirius felt James' hand grip tightly around his arm. A floating feeling of adrenaline shook through him- Snape couldn't marry Malfoy without his consent. It was like the heavens had opened and handed him a sacred gift. It was the ultimate payback- and Snape had unknowingly provided him with all the ammunition he needed.

"They like drama, don't they?" James whispered into Sirius ear. He grinned implishy, flashing his perfect white teeth. "This is great, Snape will be crushed."

"We should go. We can save the elf wine for the day I see Snape's heart break when he finds out he'll never marry Malfoy." Sirius chuckled. James covered his mouth, and laughed breathlessly into his chest.

The boxes that spread across the floor to the fireplace was like a very inconvenient mine field. Through all his dancing around Sirius couldn't get the excitement of treading down Snape's hopes for the Malfoy marriage that was never to be. He nearly tripped, underestimating the space between two packages, but thankfully James had steadied him at the last moment before pulling him to the mantle.

"We say nothing about this to Lily. You know how sensitive she is when it comes to Snivellus." James reminded him in a whisper.

"Can Remus know?" Sirius asked.

James furrowed his brow in thought for a moment before responding slowly, "Only if he asks. He might hate Malfoy enough not to lecture us on this, but he might also think we're being mean."

"Which we're not." Sirius huffed.

"Oh, I agree." James insisted grabbing the floo powder, careful not to make a sound. Sirius couldn't help but smirk. He was finally going to avenge his flying motorcycle.

SsSsSsS

Snape was being an asshole.

Sirius had gone downstairs in great spirits considering he'd spent most of the night thinking of the most hurtful way to break the news to Snape he'd never marry anyone but himself. However, Snape seemed to be revelling in his own mind games. As Sirius went downstairs to grab himself some breakfast, he saw that every package Malfoy had given him the night before was blocking the doorway.

"What is all this shit?" Sirius scowled, kicking a box that sent it flying. It slammed into the corner, and he heard something shatter. His intentions were to irritate Snape with the gesture, but he was too absorbed unwrapping a small blood-red present at the table.

"Oh. You're here are you?" Snape asked with a smirk holding up a very nice crystal bottle. Malfoy was probably replacing all the potions supplies Sirius had destroyed. "Sorry about the mess. Lucius tends to be a little out-of-control with his generosity. He can afford such nice things..." Snape trailed off. "By the way, I don't drink chai tea. But it would only be polite to thank you for providing me with something to clobber your idiot of a friend Potter with. Did he get brain damage?"

Sirius kicked away another group of boxes and howled as something heavily jammed into his foot. Malfoy must have also bought him a bowling ball.

"Pity." Snape said with a twisted smile, enjoying Sirius hold his throbbing toes. "Did you have a nice Christmas?"

"Did you?" Sirius snarled, limping to the cupboard and getting himself a glass of water.

"It's getting better as we speak." Snape replied grabbing another package off the crowded table. " I only got presents from one person really...," he said twisting in his seat and locking eyes with Sirius, " It's hard not to be jealous when other's are friends with someone as prestigious as a werewolf." He mocked. He studied Sirius' upstart before turning his back on him, unravelling an intricate bow.

"Remus understands that there's more to life than material things, you selfish bastard." Sirius replied, resisting the urge to spill water down Snape's back.

"Oh right." Snape said his dark eyes glittering. "I suppose he really splurged this year; gave you envelope full of coupons, am I correct? Or was it something more...intimate?"

"In your sick, disgusting dreams, Snivellus." Sirius said taking a sip. The water tasted a little foul, much like his mood. He saw Snape flinch a little at the nickname, but he looked to be holding back, as if he were picking his battles.

"Is it really all in my head?" Snape said sceptically as he pulled free a top of a box. He hastily put the top back on as Sirius stumbled towards the opposite side of the table.

"Yeah, it is." Sirius replied eager to change the subject. "What was that?"

"Nothing." Snape said shoving the box under his seat, out of Sirius' reach.

"A dildo or something?"

"You're an idiot!" Snape snapped looking irritated. "Lucius wouldn't give me something so low-class as a sex toy."

"Everyone's got their fetishes." Sirius said with a smile. "Like wearing their partner's used underwear."

"Perhaps you should go change them." Snape suggested with narrowed eyes. "And refrain from telling me your obtuse sexual rituals in the future."

"Speaking of partner, guess what?" Sirius said slapping away the tower of gifts like an enraged godzilla. "It's just you and me, baby."

"What?" Snape said softly.

"I'm not signing that marriage certificate. You know," Sirius said leaning back in his chair. "the one that states only I can give you permission to marry your precious, generous, sex-crazed Lucius." he said in mock pouting. Snape's face blanched, his hands griping the table so hard his knuckles were white. "Oops, you didn't think I knew about that, did you?"

"You can't deny me the right to marry him." Snape said shakily, looking as if he were about to puke. "You don't even care about me."

"You're right. I don't." Sirius said flippantly. "I hate you. And I want to hate you all to myself."

"So." Snape said, his lips trembling, "This is how it is, is it?"

"Hm. Looks like." Sirius said. "Here you go, hubby." he said tossing a small gift that Snape let skid across the table and fall onto the floor.

"I'll do anything." Snape said unblinking. "Anything you ask."

Sirius nearly fell out of his chair. He had expected Snape to go into some sort of hysterics, as history had shown that was normal behaviour for him. The calm, shaking man before him was surveying him quite seriously and ready to pounce at his very request.

"Sure, you can do something. Not marry Malfoy." Sirius said, before laughing loudly. His laughter echoed without any outside noise, and Sirius felt it deaden. He found the way Snape's pale, solemn face had not flinched creepy. "I don't want anything from you." He said perturbed.

But Snape still hadn't blinked, his dark eyes drilling into him. Sirius shifted in his seat, wondering if Snape was trying to practice some well-reherased dark art.

"Anything?" Sirius found himself asking. He kicked himself mentally for his weakness. James would never understand why he folded to Snape's will, but then again, James wasn't sitting opposite to the most eerily desperate looking man in the world.

"Yes." Snape said without any ounce of emotion. Damn him.

"Alright. Get a piece of parchment and the certificate." Sirius ordered. Snape rose from his seat, turned on his heel and left the kitchen.

Sirius bit his hand and swore. He was too soft for his own good. Here he was, letting Snape manipulate him, and for what? He thought hard. What would he make Snape do? Something dangerous? Humiliating? It had to be something he good- he would probably never get this chance again.

Snape returned, not looking anxious or overjoyed as Sirius plucked the certificate out his hand. Narcissa had signed it a month ago, he saw with some interest. He pulled out his wand and tapped the parchment, muttering a few words before clearing his throat, importantly.

"You're willing to do whatever I say, right?" Sirius asked. Snape nodded in confirmation taking his usual seat. Sirius tilted his head down and started writing on the spelled parchment. He was wrong, there was something he wanted from Snape, and it was a very big something he was relieved _he_ wouldn't have to do. He re-read it, making sure there wasn't any loop-holes before handing it to the shell of a man sitting across from him.

Snape read every line quietly, but couldn't stop the flicker of astonishment from passing over his face. He slowly grabbed a quill, hovering it where he was to sign his name. Sirius did the same, trying not to smile as Snape peered up at him through his dirty hair.

"I'll sign when you sign." Sirius informed him. Snape looked suspicious and distrustful at this prospect, but started to scrawl his name in the margin.

Sirius signed the certificate, and laughed. He tore the parchment out of Snape's hand and started to write an address to the Ministry on an envelope. He held up the letter with glee and read,

" I agree that after the forced marriage between Sirius Black and Severus Snape, it will not be Sirius Black who is to be impregnated with the required child, but I, Severus Snape." Sirius sang.

Snape sneered, hunching his shoulders and silently fuming.

"Cheer up Snivellus." Sirius said shoving it in the already stuffed envelope. "I'll even let you pick out the name."

Snape got up from the table, kicking packages out of his way before slamming his door shut.

"Let's see..." Sirius said reaching under Snape's seat and grabbing the package he had placed under there. He lifted the top and couldn't help but laugh. It was a box holding photos of Lucius posing in his underwear. "What a queer."

SsSsSsS

**Authors Note: I almost didn't add that last part in the chapter, but I felt you guys at least deserved it for being so patient. In case you're wondering, I really don't have any clue when this story ends. I never write with endings in mind...which might explain why I hardly ever write them. (Hmmm...)**

**I'm loving the reviews. I understand how people stop reviewing after a certain point, but your response is appreciated. **


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